Friday, August 31, 2012

Father and Family

            I live in one of the safest cities in America. I mean, I know it might not seem that way to someone who lives elsewhere. We get our fair share of big incidents, lots of stuff gets on the news, sure. But in a city of eight million people that’s to be expected. What I’m talking about is the day-to-day, on an individual scale. On that rating, it’s one of the safest. What I’m saying is, I can’t remember the last time someone got mugged. Or a convenience store got robbed. Or even a bank. I can’t remember the last time I heard about a rape, or a child molestation. Or a burglary. The kind of things that an ordinary man, with an ordinary family, working an ordinary job, has to worry about. So far as that man is concerned, crime might as well just not exist. I mean, granted, there’s still some danger. Acts of God and all that. And once or twice a month it can get a little hairy in the core. But for the most part, Gotham is a really safe place to live.
Which is why the argument I’m having with my wife is so infuriating. It’s the same argument we’ve been having on and off for a couple of months now, And yes, I’ve made just about all the points above to her on numerous occasions. But she’s not willing to listen. See, she was stuck in a mall for an entire afternoon with our daughter Jessica while police cordoned off a large area during a poisonous gas attack. She’s fine, our daughter’s fine, in fact everyone else in the mall was fine. But it got her scared, riled up, real hysterical, like you know women can get. And so for the past few months she’s been insisting we move to Keystone. Where her mother’s family lives, but, y’know, don’t try to bring that up.
Granted, I wouldn’t mind. I mean, yeah, it’s halfway across the country, and yeah I can’t stand her mother, and yeah it would cost a bundle and there’s no way in hell we could sell our crummy apartment in Robbinsville with the way the market is right now. But I wouldn’t mind. Keystone is nice. Pollution is down there, it’s sunny, it’s got a great road system, effective municipal government, good schools. But I’m an engineer. An aerospace engineer. That’s a lot of years of school, and a very competitive field. Especially in the private sector. You can put years of your life into a company, into a design, and then the company goes under and you can’t take any of the work elsewhere because you had a non-compete clause in the contract. You gotta start from scratch. When it’s good, it’s good, but it’s an up and down kind of thing and it’s been down more than up in the past few years. Until I got a contract position at Wayne Enterprises.
Now, a lot of people have heard of Bruce Wayne. Guy gets his picture on magazines all the time, dates all these pretty girls, in general he’s something of a rich schmuck. I’m pretty sure if I met him, I wouldn’t like him. But if you live in Gotham, working for Wayne Enterprises is hitting the employment jackpot. That company built half the city, it’s always on the cutting edge of technology and advancement, and it takes care of its employees. Benefit packages, full retirement plan, the works. It had taken me years to build up a résumé that was even worthy of submitting. And then, finally, it had happened. I was offered a post developing a low atmosphere supersonic jet for one man military reconnaissance and rescue missions. I was to lead a team of fifteen other top level engineers. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way in hell we could move.
“There’s no way in hell we are moving!” I thought my voice was strong, and firm, but the most accurate word was probably a bellow, and if I could have seen beyond my own tunnel vision I would’ve noticed the look in Jessica’s eyes, as she watched us fight from behind the couch. That look of unmitigated terror.
“Is this the kind of city you want your daughter to grow up in? This is how little she means to you? How little I mean to you?” Angela’s voice was hoarse from shouting, and her mascara was running from the tears, but I told myself it was an act. How could it be anything but by now, with all the repeat performances?
“And just how the hell am I supposed to take that? I’ve worked and sweated for fifteen years to get this far, to get us this far! And when we’ve finally made it, when I’ve finally got what I need to really provide for us, you want to cut and run? What kind of attitude is that? What kind of example is that? For Jessica?” I was almost convincing myself.
“Oh come off your high horse, Bill! All you really care about is yourself! Your career, your family, your home! Well, I’ve got my own career and my own family and we can have a new home in Keystone!”
My eyes rolled before I could stop them. “Of course, Angela, your great and involving career as a flower lady! How could I forget! I’m sure we can live off the proceeds from your street corner stand, because that’s where you’ll have to start over from if we move to Keystone!”
I had really done it now, and I knew that. I ducked to avoid the ceramic vase, which crashed into the wall behind me. I had never really cared for the vase, but I looked back to see if the wall had been damaged too badly. Jessica started screaming from the corner. Looking at her, I finally saw the fear in her eyes. She was afraid of me. It was Angela’s voice that snapped my head around back to her.
GET OUT! Get out of here!! I don’t even want to look at you!” Her voice croaked and sobbed and all I could feel was disgust. Why couldn’t she understand? How stupid could she be? To want to start over in another city with an eight-year old girl? To be where we were ten years ago? Stupid, stupid bitch.
“Fine! You want to be in charge of this home? You want to make the big decisions? Okay, Angela, I’m going! See how you do without me!” I grabbed my hat from the hook near the door and plucked my wrinkled coat from its resting place on the back of an easy chair and slammed the door behind.
         *                       *                       *                       *                       *
It was, of course, raining outside. The city was a safe one, but it still had its own problems. A constant haze hung in the air, especially after nightfall, and the weather was erratic as hell. I’m talking total citywide snowfall in March kind of erratic. And whenever you’re in a bad mood, it seems to be raining.
I pulled my heap out of the building’s underground parking and headed east, figuring I’d find a quiet alley in Old Town to stop and wallow in my own misery. My lemon of an automobile made audible creaking noises as it bounced along the potholes and cracks of the back roads heading out to that blighted area. No chance of the City ever coming down to patch up to roads or clean up the streets. No one downtown cared. As I’ve been saying, it’s a safe city, but that’s not exactly due to great municipal government.
My wipers did their best to keep the rain at bay, but my headlights were out and the lamps along the streets were woefully underpowered. Had to keep peering out over my dash, trying to keep an eye out for drunken losers barrelling in and out of Old Town looking for kicks. Ten o’clock at night on a Thursday wasn’t exactly party night, but you never knew. Course, the irony was thick. Here I was trying to find a nice spot to kill myself and I was worried about getting into a car accident.
The fact of the matter was I felt awful about what I’d said to Angela. About how I felt. The thought of her made me boil with rage but I felt almost immediately guilty. My mind reeled from the emotions. She was a stupid bitch, but I was an arrogant jerk. I wanted to smack her into a wall, but she didn’t deserve that. I loved her. I hated her. Most of all I knew that I couldn’t let Jessica continue to go up in a world where mommy and daddy fought every night. I hated Angela, but I hated myself more. How could I say those things to her? How could I think those things about her? What kind of man was I? As my vision blurred, I remember thinking my windshield wipers had crapped out on me, until I realized I was crying.
Pulling up to an all night pawn-shop, I stopped the car and broke down over the steering wheel. Just what the hell was I supposed to do? I couldn’t remember my father having arguments like this. I remember when he had gotten a transfer to Gotham. He was a dockworker then. He had come home, told mom we were moving, and that was the end of it. All she had to do was pack. His job put food on the table, and his job was in Gotham. Simple. Now I was being voted out of my home, out of my career, by a woman who didn’t even have a stake in the equation. What the hell?
Of course I was angry. Of course I was being selfish. But God damn it, what was I supposed to do? Obviously she’d be happier with me out of the equation. Then there’d be no conflict. She could move to Keystone and be happy. And then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty. Guilty about yelling at her, about hating her, about thinking of hurting her. The woman I loved. I would find absolution. And she could go on her own way. Of course.
So there I was. Sitting in my rusty old piece of junk in front of this pawn shop. A used man in a used car, ready to change himself in. In my glove compartment I kept an old .38 revolver that had been my dad’s. I used to keep it in a box in the bedroom, but when I had told Angela about it she had freaked. She thought it wasn’t safe to keep a firearm in our apartment with our baby girl. Of course, that was before she felt the city wasn’t safe enough to live in. So, points for irony. Anyway, I hadn’t wanted to get rid of it. I had never felt I needed it, but it was an heirloom from another time and from my father. So there it sat in the glove compartment. I kept it loaded. Wouldn’t you?
It took me a few minutes. Wiping the tears from my face, I found my hands had difficulty getting at the key to the compartment. Jingling in my hands, the key ring seemed to shake uncontrollably and I couldn’t quite get the thing in the lock. I finally steadied myself with both hands and opened up the hatch. I slowly dragged the gun out, and it felt heavy in my hand, heavier than it ever had before.
I remember thinking that the rain was too loud. The constant banging on the roof of the car was going to give me a headache. I don’t know why I was worried about having a headache when I was moments away from blowing a hole in my skull. I just remember it seemed really loud. It wasn’t hail, just a hard rainfall, but the banging still seemed louder than it should have been. I took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and stuck the barrel inside. I was breathing heavy, trying to work up the nerve to pull that trigger.
And that’s when everything seemed to slow down.
A crash from behind me startled and I pulled the gun out of my mouth and turned around in time to see two black boots come flying towards me, connected to a body which came flying through my car, passed my face, and then smashed through my front windshield before, incredibly, landing perfectly on its feet in front my car. I whipped around to look behind me again, trying to find out where this figure had come from so suddenly and just what the hell was going on. In the instant I was looking back through the shattered window I thought I saw a hulking man in a tattered suit, with the palest skin I’d ever seen. He must’ve been at least seven and a half feet tall. Then I heard a metal click, like the sound of a gun being cocked and the adrenaline turned to hard fear as I turned around again to face the man who had come crashing through my vehicle. This all must’ve happened in less than ten seconds or so.
Looking out through the hole in my windshield I saw him pointing a gun right at me. I had been told he never used guns, but what do any of us really know? To a guy like me he’s like an urban legend, someone you’re never gonna run into. Oh, we all know he’s out there, even seen him on TV once or twice, but the fact is that you’ve got a better chance looking the mayor in the eyes than the Batman. He fired right at me, and I thought I was going to die. My eyes shut tight and I felt a tug at my shirt and then a strong wind and when I opened my eyes I was three feet in front of my car, standing right beside him.
Holycrapholycrapholycrap. He was taller than me, by at least a foot. He looked down at me and I swear there were no pupils in his eyes. Who is he? What is he? He pointed the gun up at the rooftops and fired, and then I knew it was a grapple of some kind, like the mountaineering equipment Wayne Sports sold but much, much better. I looked back at my car in time to see the raging pale monster come running straight at us. I was probably going to die and yet my only thought was not the car.
I looked back at the Batman and he handed me the gun. I grabbed onto it with both hands, without thinking to wonder what had happened to my own gun that I’d been holding moments ago. He looked down at me and said, “Hold on,” in a cold voice that commanded attention. I didn’t have time to respond or even hold a coherent thought before I was shooting up into the air, pulled solely by the force of the gun’s motor recalling the line, it’s immensely strong grapple hooked onto the roof far above. I had no idea what was happening at the time, but looking back I still can’t believe the power of that gun’s motor.
The wind whipped by my face and I had no clue what was happening and I thought for sure my heart was going to stop and I was going to die. I closed my eyes and waited for the end, but then there was a feeling of whiplash and then I hit something with my shoulder, hard, and my eyes snapped open with the pain and somehow, good God, somehow I had ended up landing on the roof of this building.
God damn it hurt. The gun must’ve gone flying out of my hands, I have no idea where it landed. And I was soaking wet from the rain. My heart was beating a hundred times a second and my whole body was shaking and then I remembered I was on the roof of a building at least fifteen stories high and I scrambled away from the edge as fast as I could as my fear of falling took over in rapid escalation. I sat there, near as I could make to the middle, and curled up, trying to pull my coat over me and block out the rain and the noise and whatever the hell else was out there.
I might’ve passed out. Who can say. But I remember the rain stopping. I remember opening my eyes. And I remember slowly crawling to the edge of the roof, my curiosity getting the best of me. And when I looked down, there was nothing. No Batman, no monster. Just the pitiful wreck of my car, a tangled mess of steel and glass that was completely and utterly unsalvageable. Well, shit. Then my heart jumped back up into my throat and I scurried away from the edge and right back into a dark brick wall.
Falling back on my ass, I found myself looking right up at him. The Batman. What the hell? Here was the guy who protected us, who kept us safe when no one else could, here was the reason I was able to stand up to Angela and defend this city, because as long as he was around we had nothing to fear. And yet now, looking right at him, I was terrified. The rain had stopped, so I had nothing to cover for me when I pissed myself.
He was so tall. And dark. Here, above the street lamps, it was hard to see anything in the night, and so he seemed to me a dark figure, enveloped by that black cloak, and yet those white slits, those pupil-less eyes seemed to glow out from the darkness somehow. Looming over me, he spoke.
“You were holding a gun.”
            “What?”
“This gun.” From within the cloak, he held out his hand, my revolver sitting in his palm in three pieces. He dropped it to the ground, the pieces landing at my feet.
Shaking, I stammered out, “Hey! That’s mine!” What an idiot, what an idiot. What was I thinking?
“I know. What were you planning on doing with it?”
            I was looking at the gun, the steel contrasting with the black tarmac, and I just didn’t know what to say. Looking up at him, I suddenly thought that maybe he assumed I was some kind of criminal, some kind of back-up man for the hulking white monster man. I was in trouble, what do I say?
            “Nothing, I just keep it in the car, I –"
“You’re lying.” The growl was a solid statement. I couldn’t have been in deeper if I tried. There was only so long I could look at those white eyes, yet it was hard to look away. Prying away from his gaze, I looked down at the ground. At the gun. At my hands. Like an idiot.
After a while, I finally looked up and told the truth. “I came here to kill myself. I had nothing to do with that monster.”
“To… kill yourself?” I thought I heard bewilderment in the voice.  “Why?”
            “I… I… had to get away from my family. From my wife. We were fighting, I got angry and I wanted to hurt her. She’ll be better off without me. My daughter, Jessica, she’ll be better off without me for a father.”
“What?” I heard shock in his voice. I looked up and the white eyes were wide. “A child… better off without a father?”
“She wants to move to Keystone. Thinks Gotham isn’t safe enough. But I finally got my dream job at Wayne Enterprises. I can’t get out of it so easily. Well, without me around she can do as she pleases. I can’t argue with her anymore. My little girl, she’s afraid of me. A little girl shouldn’t be afraid of her father, like he was some monster. That’s not what a father should be to his family.”
“No. It’s not.” There was something in his voice. Empathy, caring. It sounded so strange. He bent down on one knee, coming eye to eye with me, and as he did the light changed. Looking at him on my level, I could see the cape and cowl were blue, not black. The tall ears, so ominous and intimidating, only came a little bit over his head. His mouth was a human mouth, and it was human eyes looking at me from under the mask. As he knelt, his cape folded back behind him and I could see his grey costume, and the Bat-logo within a yellow circle that reminded me of the Signal that flew over the night sky and always made me feel safe to walk the streets. He seemed human. He seemed like a friend.
            “A father should represent hope to his family. That’s what you need to be. You’re who that girl looks up to for guidance, you’re who your wife looks to for love and support. You are the rock that anchors their lives. Hope and strength. That’s what being a father is. You must do what’s right for them. A father must place his family first, top priority, they must be what he loves above all else. Because they love you above all else.”
He put his hand on my shoulder, and I felt… I felt ashamed. I had been so foolish. I had let my feelings get control of me, I had lost my rationality, and giving in to the black pit of negative emotions, emotions without thought, I had become motivated by fear and hate and nearly destroyed myself. I looked at the Batman, who I had thought was fear and hate personified and instead I saw… rationality, hope, and strength. I felt better.
            “Thank you,” I stammered out.
“What is your name?”
            “Bill Watson.”
            “Go to your family, Bill Watson. Let them know that you’re there for them, as they are for you. Let your daughter know she has a father who loves and cares for her. Nothing is more important to a child than a parent’s love.”
            He stood up and stepped away, and once more he looked a black, dread, creature of the night. He aimed that amazing grapple gun high above his head, and before he fired off into the night he looked me dead on.
“And get rid of the gun.”
            Who was I to argue? I left the disassembled pieces there and never looked back. I had to walk home. The train line had stopped running. It was much earlier in the morning than I thought it was. The girls had gone to sleep. I collapsed on the couch in my soaking wet clothes and passed out until morning.

                                *                       *                       *                       *                       *
            The next morning I called in sick for work and instead had a long talk with Angela. I apologized. I admitted I had been wrong. And I let her know that from then on, we were equal partners in our marriage. She didn’t forgive me all at once. She was still angry. A rift had been opened and it wouldn’t close easily. But she appreciated the gesture, the sentiment. I told her that she was right. Gotham was dangerous. And if she wanted to move to Keystone, I was right with her, even if it meant starting over. I was her husband and the father of her child, and I would never abandon her.
            She left to work her afternoon at the flower shop. I drank a lot of coffee and started looking up job opportunities in Keystone, started looking at real estate numbers, looking for a new car. This wasn’t going to be easy, but that wasn’t the point. I had to be strong, I had to do what was necessary to keep my family safe and happy.
            That evening she made dinner for all of us, just like she used to. I was scarfing down the meatloaf when the phone rang. She got up and answered, while I continued to eat. Jessica was telling me about a spelling test at school that she’d aced, and I smiled and let her know I was proud. I wanted to hug her, to reach out and love her, but I wasn’t sure if she was still afraid of me in some way.
            “Oh my God!” came Angela’s voice.
            “What is it, honey?”
            "Bill, you better get over here and take this! It’s someone at Wayne!” She shouted. I rushed to the phone, afraid of what was on the other end. What had happened?
            This woman was on the other line, saying that the jet project had been transferred to the Keystone division, something about the propulsion scientists there having more research experience with supersonic speeds. Offered to retain me as project manager if I was willing to transfer to Keystone as well. All expenses paid. They would find us a home, a house, a bungalow in the suburbs, and a car as well. Pay the moving fees, pay for the new state licences.
            “What sort of licences?” I asked.
            “Appropriate transfer of everything you currently have on record, Mr. Watson. Except any firearm licences. Company policy. We don’t pay for anything firearm related in any case.”
            “Of course. It’s not a problem.”
            A while later, after the phone had been hung up, after I had told Angela, after we had smiled and cheered and celebrated, after the lights were out and I lay in bed thinking of my new life, my better life, the life that had been a gift, I thought to myself,
            Had the Batman strongarmed someone at Wayne, somehow?
            As much as I had always felt safe in Gotham, I suddenly felt I would be much safer in Keystone City.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Star Trek: Voyager Season 6 Reviews

"Equinox, Part II"
Better overall than Part I, but still one of my favourite VOYAGER two-parters. You can really see shades of what will be "Pegasus" here too. I like the parallel structure of Captain Ransom regaining his humanity and being removed by his First Officer, while Janeway begins to become filled with rage and having to remove Chakotay from duty for questioning her. Overall the show works well, until the denouement, in which everything wraps up easier than it should. Janeway and Chakotay make up far too easy, for example, same with Seven and the Doc. Meanwhile, I think the Equinox crew get a good ending EXCEPT THEY NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN. It really bums me out because it seems like the only reason to integrate them would be to follow up on it. Ugh -- typical Voyager though, not living up to potential. At all.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 27,126.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Survival Instinct"
I really enjoyed this episode. For once, the Voyager crew act like people. There's a small scene between Janeway, Paris and Kim where she's berating them for getting to a bar brawl, and it's the first time those three have felt like they were having a real interaction in ages. And it has nothing to do with the main story! Or even a B story! It's just a fun little scene between these three. The main story is a Seven story, but even it feels more genuine than Seven has in a while. It's a good sci-fi story with some real meat to it. Probably the only bullshit part is the Bajoran Borg. She was in Starfleet and assimilated at Wolf 359? How the fuck did she get back to the Delta Quadrant then? She should be dead. And then you're telling me that when they come aboard NO ONE freaks out that there's a Bajoran on the ship?? And she doesn't freak out that there's a Starfleet vessel in the DQ?
And then, at the end of the episode, she decides to stay aboard. She only has a month to live, but we still never see or hear of her again. Just like the Equinox crew. But aside from this one complaint, a good hour.
# of Crew: 136 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 4 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 27,104.6 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Barge of the Dead"
There's some good stuff here. The final sequence, with B'Elanna swinging the bat'leth at the cast members, demanding they tell her who she should be for them. It was a powerful scene that really brought to fore B'Elanna's issues of identity. There are other strong moments, like B'Elanna embracing Janeway when she awakes. But unfortunately this episode has its share of problems as well. Probably its biggest problem is that it won't fully commit to any of its ideas. It wants to have its cake and eat it too. B'Elanna dies and goes to Gre'thor. Except she's not really dead! And maybe it wasn't really Gre'thor, maybe it was all in her head! She sees her mom there, and embarks on this quest to get her mom out of Gre'thor and into Sto-vo-kor. And she succeeds, but maybe her mom isn't dead either! Maybe she's waiting for her in the Alpha Quadrant! Okay, but if so then none of what we've seen, a good character study or not, matters. It's such a cop-out. And of course it ends up being a door kept open for no reason, because we never see B'Elanna's mom again, since when they get back home we cut to credits immediately.
# of Crew: 136 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 4 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 27,065.4 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

And with that, Ronald D. Moore left the Star Trek franchise. http://lcarscom.net/rdm1000118.htm

"Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy"

Man, I have such fond memories of this episode. I remembering seeing it way back when and thinking it was hilarious and fun. A memorable episode. But I was like, 10, when this episode first aired. So, I guess that says something. This episode is really goofy. And it's all at the expense of the characters rather than with them. The Doc has all these overly egotistical daydreams that get out of control and then they have to act them out for real for these aliens because they've been spying on Voyager and accidentally getting the Doc's dreams. The whole thing feels very... sitcom. It's silly. It also introduces these interesting spy/pirate aliens and gives them no motivation, which is fast becoming a huge pet peeve of mine: villains who are villainous because the script says so, instead of any valid motivation. All they needed was one line like "Oh, our planet was decimated because of blah blah, now we are forced to steal from passing ships", but no, they're just the bad guys because they aren't Voyager. Even the ECH sequences I remember from my youth were just over-the-top and corny. And not in a good way.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 27,026.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Dragon's Teeth"
A pretty decent episode, although I had the entire thing figured out in the first five minutes. Janeway brings back a frozen battalion of a destroyed civilization and they want help rebuilding their society and in exchange they will give us some bullshit that'll take years off our trip. But of course by "rebuild their society" they mean "retake their empire" cuz turns out they're evil. Episode ends with us warping away having let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, with these guys resuming the war against the rebels who overthrew and destroyed them in the first place. Janeway says "I doubt we've seen the last of them."
In typical VOY fashion, we never see them again.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 26,811.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Alice"
This was so frustrating to sit through. Every step of the way it was equally predictable and nonsensical. Paris buys a new ship, a one man vessel, from a scrap heap because he falls in love with it at first sight and wants to destroy it. The crew lets him do this even though we already have the Delta Flyer (Chakotay also claims they have a "full complement of shuttles", which almost made me turn the TV off and quit watching the show altogether). Because we already have the Flyer and aren't going to keep this ship, I immediately know there is something wrong with it. I predicted it would have an evil AI that would go crazy and try to take over Tom. Bingo! You know you've seen too much Star Trek when... Tom begins working on the ship obbsessively, and predictably, it wrecks his relationship with B'Elanna. Tom goes crazy, starts seeing the ship in his mind as a hot chick named Alice. She convinces him to leave Voyager with the ship. Janeway pursues, the ship taking Tom to a "particle fountain" (a made-up, nonsensical space anomaly basically like a white hole or a star) and says this is "Home". Okaaaay. Then they fly into it and Voyager essentially beams Tom out before the ship is destroyed.
So... wait.... the ship... is.... from... a particle fountain? And returning there... destroyed it? Why, how? They never really explain what's going on with the ship, it's just a Maguffin for the rest of the plot. Again, a villain who is villainous because the script says so. There's no explanation, no backstory no nothing. All it would take is a line like "this pilot once really loved me, but he left me in that junkheap alone, and now I need a pilot to love me again, but my lonliness has made me crazy and suicidal, so I'm going to drive us into a star to kill us both so we'll be together forever!" See how easy that was? And that fits the themes of devotion and obsession that the episode was using with Tom. But instead we get nonsensical formulaic crap.
And why? Because no one cares. Because I bet if on that set someone brought that up and asked the writer to do a rewrite, the writer wouldn't bother. They get the same salary whether they do the rewrite or not. The episode is made and aired whether they do it or not. VOY will get renewed and get money whether they do it or not. So why do it? Unless they really cared, really loved their work, like the DS9 guys. But they don't, so no one bothers.
There's a scene in the episode, where Seven walks in demanding a refund from Neelix for one of the items from the scrap heap (despite the trader in charge telling Neelix "all trades are final"). They have a brief conversation where it turns out Neelix is also unsatisfied with an item. At the end of the conversation Seven admonishes him, smiling and saying "all trades are final". WHAT? Then why did this conversation start if she already knew that?
FUCK.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3 (Chakotay claims they have a "full complement")
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 26,757.9 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

Oh, and in addition to the full complement of shuttles, the episode begins with Kim and Paris trying to guess Tuvok's age, and coming up with different numbers based on different statements he's said in the past. So references to both of Voyager's irritating inconsistencies in dialogue!
 
"Riddles

Anyone else think there must've been a clause in Tim Russ's contract that he get one episode with emotions per year? Well, here's this year's version, a pretty good episode in which Tuvo gets brain damage and becomes a better (if more retarded) person for it and makes friends with Neelix, but then goes back to normal at the end (of course) because the "ship needs its tactical officer". It's a good episode, with some fine acting from Russ, even if the message is a little wonky -- but the worst part about it is probably that it's utterly predictable. I don't care about Tuvok's new personality because I know he'll be back to normal at the end. I don't even care that the episode hints that Tuvok remembers his time being friends with Neelix and will treat him better in the future because I know the writers won't remember and take us right back to square one.
The other stupid thing is that nothing really happens in the A-plot. There are some mysterious aliens who cause the thing with Tuvok to happen. We go after them. We find out... that they are mysterious aliens (we never even see them) and convince them to give us the info needed to fix Tuvok. The end. Who are they? Why are they doing what they're doing? The episode doesn't really care.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 26,713 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"One Small Step"
I, I can see what this episode was going for. It has some good intentions. Celebrating the exploratory spirit and all. But, it's so... stupid and so hollow and rings so false that I just can't deal with it. First up, we have this Mars mission, that of course is propelled by some random spatial anomaly to the Delta Quadrant. Chakotay is suddenly a passionate historian for early Earth space exploration and wants to investigate, Seven doesn't because she sees it as a waste of resources. Over the coruse of the hour she learns the value of history, etc. A large portion of the episode is taken up by log entry flashbacks to this dude on this Mars mission that was accidentally propelled to the DQ by the anomaly, and how he died alone out in the middle of nowhere but it was all worth it because he explored places no one had ever been. It's a nice sentiment. But the overall story is so dumb. It's predicated on the audience believing that Chakotay has interests we've never seen him have (at one point he says a love of paleontology inspired him to go into Starfleet? What?) and that Seven has this huge problem with the concept of exploration for exploration's sake, which is so central to Starfleet's whole deal that you'd think she would have had this crisis of character a little sooner than two years into her time on the ship. Say what you will about the TNG characters, but at least their one-note hobbies, interests and developments were consistant.
Finally, I just about flipped out when it came to some of the technobabble. The anomaly is a gravity ellipse (whatever that means), that is attracted by EM radiation, which is why it's following Voyager around. The crew discovers that something else is attracting the anomaly, tearing it away and causing it to be unstable, but the crew can't find anything on sensors. B'Elanna supposes it might be a dark matter asteroid, it turns out it is, and they blow it up and this solves the problem.
Okay -- so this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. First up, they're in interstellar space -- you can't have asteroids in interstellar space. Secondly, you can't have a dark matter asteroid, that's not what dark matter is.
And most importantly, this anomaly is attracted to EM radiation, and your theory is it's being attracted to a dark matter object? THE VERY DEFINITION OF DARK MATTER, WHAT MAKES IT DARK, IS THAT IT DOES NOT GIVE OFF, ABSORB, OR EMIT ANY ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION OF ANY KIND.
Who the fuck is writing this show??
Apparently this is the episode Robert Beltran checked out on, as he was pissed off that what seemed like it was going to be a big Chakotay episode turned into yet another Seven of Nine episode.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 26,682.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"The Voyager Conspiracy"
Oh, HEY, ANOTHER Seven episode. Whaddya know? But seriously, this is a pretty fun, almost clever episode about Seven developing paranoia and making up insane conspiracy theories about why Voyager is in the DQ. First it's a Federation/Cardassian plot to establish a military presence in the DQ (an outlandish theory full of holes that makes no sense even when she explains it). Then it's a Maquis plot to launch surprise strikes against Federation and Cardassian worlds (a little more plausible, but still outlandish). Finally her theory is that the whole series has been a plot to deliver Annika Hansen to the Borg and then retrieve her and gain tactical data (the most plausible of the three, but still pretty darn silly). Eventually Janeway talks her down, and in the B-plot we find a graviton catapult that shoots us 30 sectors closer to home. (Which is only 600ly, which is a little weak given that we're told the catapult can shoot a ship about 5000ly and it simply ends up a little worse for wear).
My only problem? Seven's paranoia is set off by discovering that the catapult is powered by the same kind of reactor as the Caretaker Array, and her investigations show that some kind of cloaked vessel tractored the reactor off of the Array as it exploded for unknown reasons. While she works this into her first two theories, once it's found out that Seven has been malfunctioning and is talked down, this detail is completely forgotten about and never explained. Who tractored the Array reactor and why? Was it the same one as in the catapult? The episode doesn't care.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 26,043 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Pathfinder"

This is an... okay episode. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's a big, real, monumental event of progress in the series, establishing contact with Earth, and I'd say that mid-season six is a good place to put it. Putting Barclay on the team on Earth is a good call, and setting the episode from his perspective makes for a neat change. I can't even really argue Troi's presence (ratings grab though it may be), because Barclay has a history of these kinds of problems. All in all it's a good episode, well told. But the issues it does have bug me to the point where I have a hard time overlooking them.
For one, while Barclay's crazy plan does in fact work, no one addresses the fact that none of Barclay's crippling emotional problems have been fixed. He's suffered a serious relapse of holoaddiction, he's paranoid and anxious, and he violates orders, resists arrest and steals government property to enact his crazy scheme -- which we find out after he's already done it that Admiral Paris was going to approve anyway. But all is forgiven simply because it works -- which is really BS from a mental health standpoint.
Another major issue that I have is that the writers basically paint themselves into a giant plot hole for no reason. At one point the Commander in charge of the Pathfinder Project points out that they've estimated Voyager's position based on what the Doc reported as their position back in "Message in a Bottle", and assumed a trajectory toward Earth at Warp 6.2, which would but them 61,673.9 lightyears away. There's a little graphic that shows them having moved maybe 800ly or so, and Barclay says in dialogue that they're 60,000ly away. But that's over 30,000ly off. Voyager is way closer than that. I mean, in the PREVIOUS EPISODE TO THIS they jump 3 sectors using a graviton catapult. So no matter what Starfleet's guess is way off. Anyone who's watched any episode of the show before this one knows that. But fuck those people right? Because Barclay manages to make contact with Voyager anyways based on that projection. Seriously, that's exactly how the scene plays out. Now, once contact is established Janeway sends them their updated navigational data, but there's no way they could've made contact in the first place given how off Starfleet's estimate of their position was.
Now, the writers could've come up with some last-minute technospeak to explain how Barclay is able to get in touch with Voyager anyway, some explanation -- OR they could've just NOT included the dialogue explaining how, why and where Starfleet thinks Voyager is. I mean, less work would've yielded better results on the writer's part here.
But oh well, for the most part this is a pretty good ep I suppose.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,981.3 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Fair Haven"
I have no idea what the point of this episode was supposed to be. Tom invents an Irish town on the holodeck, with an "open door policy" so the program runs 24 hours a day and the crew can just drop by any time. Janeway falls in love with the bartender of the pub, and ends up making modifications to his program to make him the perfect man. She realises that the relationship doesn't mean anything if she can just make alterations (also he's a hologram) and stops pursuing it. But eventually she realises that she doesn't really have a lot of options and might as well take what she can get, and instead continues the relationship but makes it impossible for her to make any more changes to him.
WHAT? So in the PREVIOUS episode we remind the audience that holoaddiction is a serious problem and a social disorder that's quite looked down upon, and then we have the Captain decide to pursue a relationship with a hologram as if he was real? As if it could be satisfying and rich like one with a true person? The entire crew of Voyager takes the Fair Haven program and characters as if they were far more than just a computer simulation. It's downright nutty. I mean, explained in analogous terms, here's what this episode is saying:
"Spending all your time masturbating to pornography isn't good for you because it will give you unrealistic expectations of real world relationships -- BUT if you're on a long sea voyage and there's nothing else to do you might as well masturbate to pornography".
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -3
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,975.9 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Tsunkatse"
An old stand-by pulp sci-fi plot (hero forced into alien gladitorial arena), mixed with UPN marketing shenanigans (a cross-over with WWF Raw featuring The Rock!), but somehow it manages to turn out all right. Predictable at every turn (including it's use of the Borg Babe as the lead character) but still entertaining and well done. Having Jeffrey Combs and JG Hertzler guest starring doesn't hurt.
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,950.8 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Blink of an Eye"
Probably one of the all-time best VOYAGER episodes ever done, a truly worthy addition to Star Trek, in my opinion. Voyager ends up stuck in orbit around a world where time passes incredibly fast. A second on the ship is a day on the planet. An entire civilization rises up on the world below in which Voyager is the primary cultural element. Worshippped as a god, studied as a phenomenon, sung to, marketed, investigated, attacked, probed, inspiring invention and aspiration. Eventually Voyager makes contact with one of the aliens, and returns him to his world, which eventually develops technology to help Voyager leave. It's a rare case where deus ex machina totally works, and all the emotions ring true. It's classic science fiction. The only thing would be to ignore the implication that a civilization that is advancing this quickly, if it didn't destroy itself, would soon become almost Q-like before too long!
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,902.3 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Virtuoso"

The Doctor introduces music to an alien culture that has never known it, and he becomes a celebrity on their world. He is invited to stay there and leave Voyager, hems and haws about doing so, but doesn't of course. The End. There are some decent moments, but mainly its a showcase for Picardo, feeling like a contractually obligated episode focussing on him. What's the point of all this? What is an audience supposed to get out of this? Are we supposed to genuinely think The Doctor might leave the show? I doubt it. Most of the issues of "is the Doctor human/have rights?" have been done to death both here and on DS9, and the jokes about the Doc's arrogance are old hat by now as well. It's not like Picardo's singing is particularly entrancing -- it's shot rather boringly, and most of it is dubbed -- all of it is old (and free) public domain stuff. This shit seems like it was all written and produced on autopilot, to fill a spot in the season order. I mean, what the fuck is the point of doing the show if all you're doing is filling time? I suppose the money, but doesn't that get frustrating, as a creative individual, after a time?
# of Crew: 135 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 3 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -34
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,878.9 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Collective"

Aka the one where they pick up the Borg kids. Uuuugh. So first up, MP's reviews reminded me that Chakotay once threw Paris in the brig for running a pool gambling ring based on work duties. In the teaser of this episode, Chakotay agrees to a poker game with Paris and some others betting on work duties. Ugh. Also, Harry Kim, while wandering through a cube says it evokes bad memories, which made me think of him nearly dying on one in "Scorpion", but no, he's referring to a haunted house he was in as a kid. Because the audience is stupid. Because if we ever admitted there was more than one episode in this television SERIES the viewers heads may explode! Because, OMG, that means that I was watching Voyager yesterday at this time as well -- after I got off WORK! The same time as I did TODAY! In an unbroken ROUTINE! OH MY GOD my life is an unending CYCLE of MEANINGLESS ACTIONS! MID-LIFE CRISIS! AAARRRRGGH!!
See what you've done trying to invoke continuity, writers??
Anyways, "Collective". An episode that does nothing but rehash old Trek plots but not as well. My god, it's a dangerous Borg cube, but oh wait, it's damaged! Just like in "Unity". Then we find a bunch of damaged Borg who we want to bring back to Voyager and turn into individuals, just like in "I, Borg" [TNG]. Then we discover we could use a pathogen to destroy all the Borg, but decide not to use it, just like in "I, Borg", again. Then we take the Borg onto our ship and make them members of the crew, just like in "The Gift". And they're all annoying kids, like Wesley and Alexander.
Also we forget about that pathogen and it never comes up again when we next fight the Borg even though the Doc is a computer program and would perfectly remember how to synthesize it again.
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK this show.
# of Crew: 139 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -37
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,835.8 lightyears

"Memorial"

This episode has some good ideas, namely about preserving the past and honouring the dead and their sacrifices and telling the truth about history. The problem is that most of the plot elements are cribbed from earlier, better, Treks. Once it was established that the story wasn't a rip-off of "Nemesis", then it became an obvious crib of "Remember" and "Inner Light" and a few others. Don't get me wrong, "Memorial" isn't really bad, per se, it's just very predictable when you've already watched every other Trek episode up to this point. The themes and plot twists are identifiable about five minutes in.
# of Crew: 139 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -37
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,805 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Spirit Folk"

I liked this episode better when it was called "Ship in a Bottle" (TNG), the characters weren't idiots, and the plot made sense. Damn this thing is dumb -- every step of the way. With the safeties ON, a holographic character shoots a 24th century computer panel with his 19th century shotgun and it blows the panel and THAT turns the safeties OFF. Janeway claims a holodeck character takes up 300 deciwatts, which is half a light bulb's worth of power. Tom and Harry are in danger but Janeway doesn't want to shut the power off because then all the Fair Haven characters will be deleted and she'll lose her masturbatory aid, whom she openly refers to as her "boyfriend" on the bridge to Chakotay. On and on.
# of Crew: 139 Total -- 119 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -37
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,774.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Ashes to Ashes"

A rehash of various previous Treks such as "Latent Image", "Favorite Son" and "Suddenly Human" [TNG]. This episode's biggest problem is to ask us to care about the return of a long-dead crewman WHO WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE AND NEVER KNEW WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. "Latent Image" played the same trick, but it worked because our POV was the Doc's POV and his memory of the crewman had been wiped. But here we have an extrovert Starfleet officer who apparently has been Harry Kim's big crush since his academy days. WHAT? Apparently the show's forgotten that Kim was ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED when he signed up to the Voyager, and spent the first two seasons pining over Libby.
Of course the crewman eventually chooses to leave Voyager, but even that wrap-up is ridiculously trite and pointless. Basically this character spends six months struggling and fighting to get back to Voyager and after two days goes "actually, nevermind I don't belong here" and leaves. Just like that.
Oh and there's a subplot about the Borg kids that's awful and boring.
God damn this show.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -37
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,746.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Child's Play"
This is actually a pretty good episode about Icheb, his parents, and where he came from that ties well into continuity from "Collective" -- turns out Icheb was designed as a biological weapon to infect and destroy the Borg. It's a well written episode that explores its ideas fairly, the only thing that's a little forced is how attached Seven is to Icheb when he's only been on the ship for four episodes and they've shared maybe two scenes together before this. Ah well, I'll take what minimal quality I can get on this show.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -36
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,704.2 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Good Shepherd"
This is an episode that should've been done in season three or something, but I guess it takes this long for the writers to realize there are other people on the ship than the main cast. After all, "Lower Decks" (TNG) was in seventh season and that's basically what this episode is ripping off. I do like the notion that there are people on Voyager who thought they'd be onboard for a year and were never suited to the idea of a long trip and were now falling through the cracks. I also like the implication that part of the problem is there's no room to grow, personally. No one's getting transferred or promoted so the same seven people go on all the away missions and if you were a third grade sensor analyst six years ago, you're still one now. But I find it infinitely frustrating that the contrivance that makes the mission go awry, that seems to chase and wreck the Delta Flyer, that the characters debate the nature of and that the episode provides interesting clues about, is NEVER EXPLAINED AT ALL. The crew is rescued and THAT'S IT. Fuck this show.
And I liked this more when it was called "Lower Decks".
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -36
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,521.8 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Fury"

This is, without a doubt, the worst episode of Star Trek: Voyager I've ever seen. Worse than "Threshold". There's actually a dumb fun to watching "Threshold" and laughing at it's ridiculous stupidity. This episode is just stupid on all levels and makes so little sense I got a headache. I mean, let's break this down. Kes was a revolutionary in Ocampan society who wanted to leave the Caretaker's influence and explore outside. She gets that opportunity when Voyager rescues her from the Kazon. She journeys wth them for three years, expanding her fledgeling telepathic powers, until she becomes an omnipotent being of light, leaves the ship happily so she doesn't endanger her friends, and sends Voyager 10,000ly as a gift. She then comes back three years later, pissed off, because her new powers "scared her" and she "felt alone" and had nowhere to go because Voyager "abandoned her", and she couldn't go back to Ocampa because she's now an omnipotent superbeing and too far beyond them. She then returns to Voyager in a shuttle (a distance of like 40,000ly) despite having the ability to transport herself without it, clearly. She blows a lot of shit up, kills three peole indiscriminately, and goes back in time 6 years to right after Voyager met the Vidiians. She wants to get her younger self back to Ocampa so she's never "abandoned" by Voyager and plans on stealing a shuttle to do so (despite the fact that Past Kes hated Ocampan society and that her powers will develop there anyway probably). Oh, and while it's completely unnecessary, she also sells out Voyager's crew to be killed and harvested by the Vidiians because apparently she's that angry at them for.... doing everything they could for her?? Anyways, Past Janeway kills her, then tells Past Kes all of this so it won't happen in the future, even having Past Kes make a recording to talk to her future self.
Then it happens again in the future, Present Kes having apparently forgotten all about it in all her rage. The hologram reminds her (oh, right, that did happen!), and Janeway offers for her to stay on Voyager. Kes turns her down because she "needs to be with her own people" and goes back to Ocampa. Despite the fact that her whole reason for doing this was she felt she could never go back. Also, now that Kes doesn't go into the past, how does Janeway know to prevent Kes from going into the past to.... ARRRRGGH!
None of this makes sense, either from a plotting standpoint or a character one. You'd think a big episode featuring the return of a previous cast member would get a script that had just a teensy bit more thought put into it than this. Instead, we get a story where, essentially, Kes returns cuz she's angry about... something, basically she's senile and delusional, so Janeway reminds her she's not really angry, so Kes goes away. And in the middle we get a completely nonsense time travel story.
Is it worth mentioning that there are a ton of continuity errors in the S1 sequences? Most notable I think was that Samantha Wildman apparently found out about her pregnancy during a routine physical with the Doctor two weeks into the voyage and kept it a secret to surprise everyone... for seven and a half months, when it's a big surprise to her too in "Elogium".
Also, there's continuing bullshit about Tuvok's age, birthday, and how long he's known Janeway. Also, his premonitions are never explained. Also, this episode insists that time travel produces tachyon particles, when even a Voyager fan knows its chronitons. Also, this episode claims that you can't turn at Warp. Yep, can't maneuver at Warp. This is the only episode in Trek canon where this is so.
This episode is dumb.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,479.8 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Live Fast and Prosper"
A fun, lightweight episodes about some con men who impersonate the Voyager crew and how we go after them. There's some potential for interesting character analysis and growth but the episode never follows up on any of it. No harm done, I suppose. Also, this episode claims Voyager is 30,342.4ly from Earth, which hasn't been true since around the middle of Season 5.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,420.8 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Life Line"

This is the one where the EMH goes back to Jupiter Station to help Doc Zimmerman. And the craziest thing about this episode? It is hugely continuity heavy. It's a sequel to "Projections" and "The Swarm" and "Doctor Bashir, I Presume?" and "Pathfinder" and "Message in a Bottle" and so on. Even the alien massage girl is the one from INSURRECTION! It's full of continuity. And it's written by the regular series writers. It's like they wrote it on a bet that they could actually write a script that used continuity.
It's also a pretty good episode, even if its pretty similar to the whole Data/Soong thing from TNG, Picardo's idiosyncratic performances make it worthwhile.
Can we give the Voyager crew the replicator patterns for modern uniforms, though?
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,398.4 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Muse"
Joe Menosky's final Trek is a fantastic meta-episode about being a writer on Star Trek. It was smart, cerebral and very well written episode, with the irony that the actual Torres/Kim plot is hilariously contrived with Kim's sudden appearance and resulting rescue. But otherwise really great and smart. A good send-off for Menosky. Also we crashed the Delta Flyer and then left it there. All that tech.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,376 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"The Haunting of Deck Twelve"

Zzzzzzzzz.... hey, it's one of the crewmen from "Good Shephard"! Zzzzzzzzzzzzz........
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -33
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,300.3 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

"Unimatrix Zero, Part I"
This episode is so goddamn retarded. It's the absolute low of Borg writing so far. The scenes of the Borg queen play just like any scene of any evil race. The Borg Queen doesn't talk like a Borg at all, she's just a villain now. And same with the Borg themselves, who have no sense of danger whatsoever. The Queen calls up Janeway to try and convince her not to interfere with the Borg's affairs and try to figure out what Janeway's plan is. Anyone remember when the idea of negotiating with the Borg was unthinkable? And why would the Queen do this? If she even suspected Janeway of interfering with her plans, even if she didn't know what Janeway was planning, why not send like 40 cubes with millions of drones to fire thousands of torpedoes in her face? Resources aren't exactly an issue for the Borg. If a mosquito is crawling up our arm, it doesn't matter if it has bit you or is planning on biting you, you SWAT THE BITCH ANYWAY! Seeing the Borg Queen beg Janeway not to do anything heroic is painful to watch.
And Janeway's no better. Her plan is to GO ALONE into the MOST HEAVILY ARMED BORG CUBE WE'VE EVER SEEN to destroy the CENTRAL CORE, the most HEAVILY GUARDED AREA. When reasonably asked by the Doc why they don't just find some other Borg ship, she brushes off the question. When her entire crew asks why the fuck she should go alone, the best she can come up with is that it was her idea. Finally Tuvok and B'Elanna get to go after Chakotay basically begs her. I understand our characters need to be pivotal to the drama, but I hate how VOYAGER always forgets that the other 130 people on the ship can do more than just stand in the background pressing buttons. THIRTEEN people on this ship are EX-TERRORISTS. Why don't we send some of them, and some security officers, like twenty altogether, onto the Borg Cube? Fuck.
So. Fucking. Stupid.
# of Crew: 138 Total -- 118 Starfleet, 13 Maquis, 7 Civilians
# of Shuttles: -4
# of Warp Cores: 2
# of Photon Torpedoes: -38
# of Gel Packs: 30
Distance to Alpha Quadrant: 25,292.8 lightyears
Opportunities to Get Home Missed: 11

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Annotated Cinematic Batman: BATMAN FOREVER (1995, Joel Schumacher)

Writers: Akiva Goldsman, Lee Batchler & Janet Scott Batchler
Producers: Tim Burton, Peter MacGregor-Scott
Director: Joel Schumacher
Batman: Val Kilmer

Time indexes refer to the 2005 Special Edition NTSC Region 1 DVD of the film.

00:00:12 -- This time in our special WB logo, the sky not only goes black, but the shield itself morphs into the Bat-logo. I will say right now this is not a subtle movie. The font for the credits was designed for this movie and its promotional materials, and was even incorporated into the trade dress of the comics themselves from May 1996 to March 2000, along with the redesigned Bat-logo.

00:01:04 -- So the title of this movie, techinically speaking, is just "FOREVER". Also, two Bat-logos in one credits sequence because, again, subtle.

00:01:08 -- The movie originally opened with a dark, gothic sequence of Two-Face escaping from Arkham Asylum, complete with "The Bat Must Die" written in his guard's blood on the cell's wall. After BATMAN RETURNS getting so many parental complaints for its dark content, WB had this sequence removed and sped the film's pace up to begin with Batman suiting up in the Batcave to go catch Two-Face. All in all about close to 40 minutes of footage was excised from BATMAN FOREVER, including an entire subplot that basically explains Bruce's character arc in the film. We'll talk more about this as we go.

00:01:32 -- Apparently repairing the Batmobile from RETURNS meant redesigning it from scratch. Along with the Batcave. The new Batmobile takes a few prominent design elements from the original comic book version, notably the single large fin down the middle of the car. Schumacher wanted an "H.R. Giger" look to the car, which somehow got translated into very bright glowing blue lights everywhere.

00:01:48 -- Batman is now Val Kilmer. With Burton replaced by the studio with Schumacher, Keaton no longer felt comfortable in the role of Batman and opted out of the project. Kilmer was Schumacher's top choice to play Batman and accepted the role before even reading the script. Kilmer ended up being Bob Kane's favourite live-action Bruce Wayne, of the ones he lived to see (Wilson, Lowery, West, Keaton, Kilmer). The Batsuit has undergone another redesign -- roughly the same as Burton's version, it's been resculpted to a more organic look after RETURNS' industrial lines. Schumacher wanted the musculature to resemble the idealized beauty of Greek statues, and when questioned, did not understand what the problem was with putting prominent nipples on the Batsuit.

00:01:51 -- Michael Gough reprises his role as Alfred. Gough and Pat Hingle (Commissioner Gordon) are the only returning cast members from Burton's films, and only their inclusion and a few lines of dialogue connect FOREVER to the earlier films, otherwise this might as well be a reboot.

00:02:17 -- While Burton's Gotham City was, well, Gothic, Schumacher's is much, much, much more colourful. Filled with neon lights, and odd gobo projections everywhere, Schumacher wanted an aesthetic that mixed the four-colour sensibilities of old comic books with modern Tokyo. Like Burton's Gotham, it is created entirely on a soundstage.

00:02:25 -- Danny Elfman left with Burton (of course) and so we have a new rousing Batman theme by Elliot Goldenthal, who covers the movie almost head to toe with a score that will be essentially repeated note for note in the next movie.

00:02:38 -- The role of Harvey Dent has been recast with Tommy Lee Jones. While Billy Dee Williams had taken the role of District Attorney Dent in BATMAN solely to play Two-Face in the sequels, Schumacher didn't want him and replaced him with Jones, whom he had worked with on THE CLIENT. Jones agreed to take the role because he was interested in the Jekyll/Hyde aspect (ultimately very downplayed in this film) and wanted to please his kids. Williams had a play-or-pay contract, so he was paid Jones' salary despite not appearing in the film at all. In addition to going from black to white, Dent has also become Two-Face off camera and between movies. The transformation had been meant to happen in RETURNS, but was written out of the film. Two-Face first appeared in Detective Comics #66 (August 1942), created by Bill Finger and Bob Kane. Kane had been inspired by Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde but the twist was that Two-Face was both the good and evil personalities at the same time. When he flipped his coin, he would choose between an evil action (robbing a bank) or a good action (giving to charity) depending on the toss. As the years went on this dichotomy between good and evil was ultimately simplified into evil or not-evil, to not act at all if the good side came up, and the character's tragic and complex actions and motivations were simplifed into a cackling villain who committed crimes based on the number two and uttering bad puns. Jones' Two-Face is far more influenced by the later campy 1950s version of the character, as typified in stories by David Vern and Dick Sprang. Two-Face never appeared on the 1966 show, his backstory and visage considered too gruesome for the series, and thus never gained the widescreen pop culture recognition of the other villains used in the movies to this point, but he had always been well regarded by comics fans and writers as a great tragic foil to Batman and so remained prominent enough in the comics to warrant inclusion in the films, finally.

00:03:20 -- Two-Face's scarred visage, here designed by make-up artist Rick Baker, is coloured hot pink. Scarred on his left side by a vial of sulphuric acid (or nitric acid in later retellings), Two-Face's burns were originally coloured green in the comics art of Bob Kane, and varied between green and grey until the late 1970s, when purple emerged as a third alternative. The burns where coloured blue in the 1992 animated series. Since the publication of 1997's THE LONG HALLOWEEN, a fleshy red has become the most popular depiction. The burns were originally seen to peel away Dent's lips and eyelids, blinding him in his left eye and burning some of his hair as well, producing the appearance of a bulging eye and snarling mouth with ragged hair on that side. Modern comics have taken a more extreme turn, often showing almost all the skin burned off for a practically skull like image. For this movie, the snarling mouth and absent lips have instead become a strange Joker-like permanent smile on that side (complete with purple lipstick!), and no attempt was made to alter the eye. The pink colouration has, for some reason, also extended to the hair. In reality, vitriol burns to the skin would probably result in a yellowish discolouring if anything, and the damage to the flesh would be more like what Bob Kane originally drew than the extremes of say, Tim Sale's art.

00:03:58 -- Two-Face's suit is also split down the middle, in a typically comic book fashion choice. The original comics used orange for the good side and purple for the bad (green/purple being traditional comic book villain colours; see Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman, Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, Dr. Doom, etc.). A far classier, and seemingly obvious, variation was half black and half white in the animated series, which soon became popular in the comics as well. I'm unsure as to the reasoning behind Schumacher's version, which has a normal suit for the good side, and then a bizarre purple/yellow animal print suit for the "evil" side.

00:04:16 -- Nicole Kidman, on the very beginning of being super famous, plays Dr. Chase Meridian. Despite the ridiculous name, Dr. Meridian is not from the comics, and was created for the sole purpose of being Bruce Wayne/Batman's love interest for this movie. She's a criminal psychologist, primarily in order to service a subplot which isn't even in the finished film. Schumacher cast Kidman, then 28, as the PhD solely because of her stunning good looks. Schumacher has gone on record to state that he believes in casting good looking, sexy actors in movies whenever possible, a principle which kinda screwed up his take on PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

00:04:27 -- "The Second Bank of Gotham on the second anniversary of the day I captured him". A totally typical and obvious Two-Face ploy that apparently the GCPD didn't see coming. This implies that Dent became Two-Face in 1993 or so, between movies.

00:04:34 -- Two-Face just got out of Arkham earlier in the evening and is robbing a bank (which has a vault on the upper floors of a skyscraper for... some... reason...) and yet Gordon called in an out-of-town criminal psychologist to consult on this case, because Gotham City isn't the sort've place that would already have a ton of those on call or anything...

00:04:51 -- Dr. Meridian, the expert on Two-Face's psychology, declares that he'll slaughter his hostages "without thinking twice", a line that I think was written more for the pun than anything else, since Two-Face's whole modus operandi is thinking twice about every single thing he does and using the coin to decide. He's half good and half evil, people!

00:05:06 -- The writers have, however, chosen to continue Burton's "Batman's just as crazy as the villains!" theme, and Bruce's sanity is the main subject of that subplot that's no longer here that I keep harping about.

00:05:28 -- So... Two-Face and his men are in the vault of this bank, high in this skyscraper, and the police (and several inexplicable crowds) have it surrounded, yet he somehow manages to get a helicopter carrying a wrecking ball (I don't think that's physically possible) into the airspace to knock down a wall of the building.

00:05:56 -- While WB no longer trusted Burton to direct a Batman film, they still felt his involvment was pivotal enough to the series image and success to keep him on in a producing capacity.

00:06:01 -- Two-Face's goons use Tommy Guns decorated with neon lights because EVERYTHING IN GOTHAM IS INEXPLICABLY DECORATED WITH NEON NOW. EVERYTHING.

00:08:25 -- So the vault is filled with boiling (?) sulphuric acid instead of money because this was all an overelaborate trap to kill Batman. Which, yeah, is pretty typical for the kind of 1950s comics this movie is taking its inspiration from.

00:08:52 -- The hearing aid makes a cartoony "pop" noise when Batman takes it out of the guard's ear. Yeah, this is not a movie that is taking itself very seriously.

00:09:04 -- How, and from where, is enough boiling sulphuric acid to fill the vault being pumped into the vault from within the vault and why is it not eating through the vault? And why is it glowing red for that matter?

00:09:54 -- I'm not even gonna try to understand the non-physics behind that.

00:10:07 -- Dr. Chase Meridian, reknowned criminal psychologist, came to a crime scene dressed in an overcoat and skimpy lingerie. Are you sure I'm not watching the porn parody of this movie? Also, you did understand that WB wanted a more "family friendly" Batman, right Schumacher?

00:10:30 -- Giant novelty billboards are, in all fairness, an old tradition in Batman comics going back to the Bill Finger/Dick Sprang days of the late forties/early fifties.

00:11:45 -- So Gotham's gone from being a New York analogue, to basically just a crazy comic book version of New York, complete with "Lady Gotham", the Statue of Liberty with GOTHAM written on the crown. In the comics, Gotham went from being New York to being a New York analogue, to finally becoming it's own city with its own geographic identity. It's located in southern New Jersey, off the coast of Cape May, according to the OFFICIAL ATLAS OF THE DC UNIVERSE. Schumacher's film implies that Gotham is New York, a confusing implication given that the Donner Superman movies of the 1980s also made Metropolis literally New York.

00:12:01 -- Two-Face's parachute literally appeared out of nowhere on him after he jumped out of the helicopter. It's not there, he jumps, it's there.

00:12:33 -- So, let's review. Schumacher/Kilmer's Batman 1) fails to anticipate that Two-Face would rob the 2nd Bank of Gotham on the 2nd anniversary of his capture, 2) fails to anticipate that it's all a trap to kill him, 3) fails to stop the destruction of the Lady Gotham statue, 4) fails to recapture Two-Face.

00:12:38 -- Unlike Keaton's Wayne, Kilmer's actually works for a living. Wayne Enterprises first started appearing in Batman comics in the late 1970s, and accomplished several storytelling goals that seem glaringly obvious without it. First and foremost, why is Bruce Wayne rich? Where is the money coming from? And specifically, where is the money continuing to come from so he can continually upgrade all his bat-gadgets? And where are those gadgets coming from and who's producing them? Wayne Enterprises answers all of that and it also gives Bruce something to do other than be Batman, gets him into the world of big money corporate intrigue that Tony Stark got to play in and was selling well in late seventies Iron Man comics.

00:13:13 -- And here's Jim Carrey as Edward Nygma, not yet the Riddler. It's important to remember that Carrey was beyond huge in 1995. In a period of two years he'd done ACE VENTURA, THE MASK, DUMB AND DUMBER, BATMAN FOREVER, ACE VENTURA 2, and THE CABLE GUY, which remain to this day the biggest films of his career. For a brief period Carrey was king, and was the obvious pick for the Riddler. Carrey modelled his performance after that of Frank Gorshin's in the 1966 series, but Carrey's Riddler lacks any of the subtley, intelligence or menace of Gorshin's. Carrey's Riddler basically plays as a Joker imitation, which is a gross misunderstanding of the character that unfortunately many, including those working on the comics themselves, fall prey to. Granted Carrey doing Riddler-As-Joker also ends up being a lot like any other comedic Carrey character of the mid-nineties; Carrey's movies of the period were mostly just an excuse for him to run wild with his zany over-the-top antics. The differences in character between Ace Venture, The Mask, and The Riddler aren't much. The Riddler first appeared in Detective Comics #140 (October, 1948) by Bill Finger and Dick Sprang. Edward Nigma was an intellectual criminal whose biggest talent was cheating at puzzles and riddles, and after a career as a con man decided to become the costumed Riddler purely to match his wits against the police and specifically against the Batman, believing he could cheat his way through puzzled crimes the Batman could never solve. The Riddler leaves riddles and clues at the scenes of his crimes for Batman to attempt to solve, being a purely cerebral challenge to the character known as one of the world's greatest detectives. Because of the need for Riddler's schemes to be so intellectual in nature, he is a character who often eludes comic book writers. Gorshin's performance was one of the biggest successes of the 1966 series, and so the Riddler became greatly associated with it. Modern writers often use the Riddler as a stand-in for an old-fashioned, silly, "gimmick" villain and usually modern comics spend their time making fun of him.

00:13:22 -- Why, in a world without the Riddler, does the pre-Riddler have a Riddler bobble-head doll that laughs like the Joker?

00:13:40 -- Kilmer continues to wear the glasses that Keaton wore as Wayne, in an odd bit of continuity.

00:13:52 -- Schumacher and the writers chose to re-envision Nygma as an obsessed stalker of Bruce Wayne, for reasons that are creatively unclear to me. The idea that Edward was the unhappy employee of a big technology company with a hatred for his boss comes from "If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?", a second season episode of the 1992 animated series wherein Nygma was a computer programmer for a software company cheated out of his royalties.

00:15:26 -- The sky of Gotham is red, just like the popular animated series, which was enjoying its third season.

00:16:07 -- A Batman villain whose beginnings are as a Wayne Enterprises scientist who has invented a form of mind control and later uses that device in his evil plot actually describes The Mad Hatter far more than The Riddler, specifically his backstory from the episode "Mad as a Hatter" from the animated series.

00:16:50 -- In the comics, Batman has several "auxillery Batcaves" in key locations throughout Gotham, most notably one directly under Wayne Tower. In this movie, we instead must believe that there's a man-sized tube running all the way down the tower and then all the way up north to Wayne Manor outside the city, directly into the Batcave, that can transport Bruce in some kind've human torpedo at speeds of around 200mph, and that when it stops is hot enough to cause sparks and smoke but not cook Bruce alive inside.

00:17:30 -- Let's reiterate. Bruce is in Downtown Gotham, sees the Bat-signal, travels by human torpedo all the way up north to Wayne Manor JUST TO CHANGE INTO THE BATSUIT, then drives in the Batmobile all the way back to Downtown Gotham to Police Headquarters where the Bat-signal is.

00:19:09 -- "Or do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?" Basically the one in-dialogue reference to a previous movie and the only direct acknowledgement this is a sequel to RETURNS and thus, somehow, takes place in the same universe. My respect for Gordon's judgement of criminal psychologists is low, since it seems Dr. Chase Meridian agreed to come to Gotham purely so she could jump Batman's bones. Which is also the only reason her character is in the script. Direct, indeed.

00:19:24 -- And if we needed confirmation that Pat Hingle's Gordon has been reduced to a doddering old fool, he arrives on the roof in his pajamas wondering what's going on.

00:19:44 -- So, can anyone explain what's going on here? Batman jumps off the roof and into a big... red... box.. one of many on a Gotham skyway... that contain's the Batmobile... and has a sunroof just for doing this... is this some kind've weird hightech parking system? Is this like anything that exists in the real world? Is the audience supposed to understand this at all?

00:22:22 -- The idea that the Riddler grows smarter by feeding off brain waves through a machine is... well... stupid... but also wholly original to this movie. Comic book Riddler is smart because he's smart, but I guess movie version needed an origin story??

00:24:48 -- And so we get Harvey's entire backstory rendered in a TV news review. I guess the whole Maroni trial was covered, including close-ups and alternate angles. The version of events seen here is basically the Golden Age Two-Face origin, complete with Batman being at the trial and attempting to save Dent. The way its shot is a little confusing however -- he holds a folder up to guard his face, apparently to explain why the acid only hits half, but we clearly see it hit his entire face. Also the voice-over from the reporter claims that the acid burns gave him "left brain damage" which transformed him into a violent criminal, which is the single dumbest explanation of Harvey's split personality I've ever heard. Even if we buy into the popular physiological notion of left/right brain, the left brain is the "rational side", so why would left brain damage make someone a criminal based on the duality of good and evil?

00:26:14 -- One thing that's bugged me, ever since I was a kid, is that the movie never explains how Nygma faked this security footage. Is it supposed to be computer animation of some kind? Cuz that'd be pretty fuckin impressive for 1995.

00:27:21 -- Riddler's riddles for the movie were written by New York Times Crossword editor Will Shortz. I'd like to note that Nygma has not yet decided on his Riddler persona, his criminal enterprise, his scheme, etc. but his first riddle to Bruce already uses the patented Riddler symbol developed for this movie.

00:27:32 -- This crossword billboard is a reference to Riddler's first appearance, in which he reprogrammed a crossword billboard to pronounce the clues for his first big crime.

00:27:46 -- The song playing here is "Bad Days" by The Flaming Lips. It just might be the coolest thing in the whole movie.

00:28:09 -- I think the idea that Nygma bases his Riddler persona entirely on an pre-existing carnival game character called "The Guesser" to be not only bizarre, but seriously lazy. It'd be like if the new Superman movie had a scene of young Clark Kent watching the old 50s George Reeves show and going "it's perfect!"

00:28:43 -- For this film, Wayne Manor is played by the Webb Institute in New York, and so once again looks completely different than the last two movies. The big "W" on the gates is actually for Webb, not Wayne.

00:29:06 -- For the first time in three movies a Gotham City location is played by a real-world location. "City Hall" is New York's Surrogates Court, and looks nothing like City Hall in the previous two movies.

00:29:27 -- Bruce walks inside and the building labeled "City Hall" on the exterior now seems to be GCPD headquarters on the interior, which is hilarious because it looks nothing like the building the Batmobile drove to.

00:33:04 -- And HEY! It's the Gotham Charity Circus, because OH SNAP, Robin's in this one! Robin had been planned to be in the third Batman movie by Tim Burton, where he was to be played by Marlon Wayans and was gonna be a young garage mechanic who rebuilt the Batmobile, was actually named Robin, and who wore mechanic's overalls with an R on the chest. That didn't happen, and Wayans got the same pay-or-play buy out that Williams got when the role was recast with Chris O'Donnell in a more traditionalist flavour. That's two black guys Schumacher recast with whites, for those paranoids counting. Before Wayans, Robin had been present in an earlier draft of BATMAN, a version of the third act where the Joker killed the Flying Graysons and Dick became Bruce's partner, but it was all, correctly, deemed too much to try to squeeze into the ending of that movie. Also, Burton hated Robin. The Boy Wonder first appeared in Detective Comics #38 (April 1940), the first kid sidekick for a superhero ever. Robin was created by Bill Finger primarily so that Batman could have someone to talk to, a Watson to his Sherlock. He was made a colourful kid so that he could be an identitification point for the young kids reading the comics -- maybe they couldn't be Batman, but they could pretend to be Robin! Batman and Robin became an inseperable duo, despite continued allegations throughout the 1950s that the partnership of Bruce and Dick was a coded message for homosexuality. Eventually, as Batman comics became "darker" and "more mature", efforts were made to be rid of Robin. Young Dick Grayson grew up and became Nightwing (Tales of the Teen Titans #44, July 1984), his replacement Jason Todd was killed by the Joker (Batman #428, December 1988), but Robin persisted. In 1995 Tim Drake was Robin, and even had his own solo comic book series. The character was also popular in the animated series. So it seemed inevitable that Robin be included by the time of the third Batman film. And finally, I'd like to note that thanks to Tim Burton associating the Penguin with the circus somehow, this is the third Batman movie in a row to use circus imagery.

00:33:33 -- Gossip Gertie is played by Betty Kane, wife of Bob Kane.

00:34:08 -- In the original comics, the Flying Graysons consisted of Dick and his parents, but Schumacher here adds a brother for reasons that are... unclear. Especially since one of the biggest points about Dick's origin is that it mirrors Bruce's -- an only child whose parents are murdered by crime.

00:34:49 -- The main reason Dick was given a background as a circus acrobat in the comics was to explain how a ten-year-old boy was able to keep step with highly trained Batman in leaping across rooftops and fighting criminals. But movie Batman doesn't do a lot of rooftop leaping or martial arts fighting and movie Dick is twenty-five, so it doesn't really seem necessary anymore. Granted, making Robin fifteen years older than he's supposed to be was a move designed to make the character seem more believeable and less silly on film, but actually renders his origin completely nonsensical.

00:35:43 -- This whole "awe-inspiring Death Drop, without the safety of a net" bit is of course needed to give some plausibility to the death of the Flying Graysons. Because they died when the ropes to their acrobat act were cut and they fell, in a modern act they'd fall on the net and be fine. Of course, the main reason a circus would employ a net would be safety reasons for insurance purposes so how they could be able to do one trick without it I have no idea.

00:36:16 -- Chris O'Donnell's stunt double was a fellow named Martin Gaylord. Not even making that up. Making Robin not gay has been an uphill battle since 1954, and this movie just does not want to even try. Have you seen the earlobe stud he's wearing?

00:36:45 -- Everyone in the audience is all "who's that?" because the camera can only see the good side of Harvey's face, despite the fact that half the audience should be able to see his bad since they're, y'know, sitting on that side of him.

00:36:47 -- The Flying Graysons are here employed by the "Circus Internationale", while in the comics it was the far more local "Haley's Circus".

00:37:39 -- Hey, I guess that mayor from BATMAN RETURNS did get recalled anyway, because here's our third mayor in six years.

00:38:15 -- Stuck in a hostage scenario with a two-minute timer, KilmerWayne's first response is to yell "I'm Batman!" in a crowd, in an altruistic effort to stop Two-Face's plan by giving in to terrorism. Rather than, y'know, suit up and be a hero and stop the scheme like Batman would do. Granted when the Batsuit is a few hundred pounds of foam rubber it's a lot harder to quick change.

00:40:37 -- Okay, so some changes to Robin's origin here. In the original story, a group of mobsters led by Boss Tony Zucco attempted to hustle protection money out of Haley's Circus, and when Mr. Haley refused to pay, the gangsters poured acid on the acrobat's ropes, causing them to snap mid-performance. Dick was on the sidelines and watched his parents fall to their deaths before his very eyes. Bruce was at that performance, and seeing his own parents murders mirrored in the boy's, takes him in and turns him into Robin, his sidekick, partly out of a desire to harnass the boys' rage and lust for revenge into a force for good. Here, however, we get the addition of a brother, the addition of a bomb, and the addition of Two-Face. Two-Face's role in Robin's movie origin feels a lot like shoehorning Joker into Bruce's back in BATMAN, a way to make the conflict with the villains personal. Of course, both villains already have a personal-level conflict with Bruce Wayne/Batman, but I guess Robin needs motivation too. While Two-Face was never involved with Robin's comics book origin (he first appeared in comics two years after the Boy Wonder), he is a villain often associated with him. The first villain fought by both Jason Todd and Tim Drake was Two-Face (Batman #410 and #441, 1987 and 1989), and even Dick Grayson in the ROBIN: YEAR ONE storyline (2000), the battle between Two-Face and Robin does however lack the power of that between Batman and Two-Face, as none of the Robin's have ever really understood the tragedy of Harvey Dent and see him as nothing more than another murderous villain. The addition of the bomb plot is supposed to set up Dick as a hero before he even puts on tights, but it results in the odd change that he doesn't actually witness his family's death -- everyone else does but he's busy getting rid of the bomb. It's supposed to give another layer of guilt ("if only I'd been there!"), but ultimately it lessens the connections between his tragedy and Bruce's.

00:41:28 -- There are a lot of variations on exactly how Dick Grayson became Bruce Wayne's ward. A ward is a somewhat outdated term and notion but essentially means that Bruce is Dick's legal guardian but not an adoptive parent. It's key to note that in the comics, Dick is ten years old when his parents died. In Detective Comics #38, Batman just kinda... well.. takes Dick straight from the tragedy to the Batcave, and almost immediately drafts him into the war on crime, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne later and arranging to take Dick as his ward, and they eventually team up to take down Zucco. This version is also used by Frank Miller in his ALL-STAR BATMAN AND ROBIN series. Later retellings add further details: In the BATMAN: YEAR THREE storyline (1989), Dick is placed into an orphanage following his parents death. Bruce, moved by empathy, adopts him. Dick eventually discovers Bruce's identity on his own and becomes Robin when he expresses his desire for vengeance on Zucco. In the animated series episode "Robin's Reckoning", Dick is placed under police custody after the murder and Bruce agrees to take care of him under witness protection, since Zucco may try to kill him. The animated series used a 19 year old Robin who was in University, based on the Bronze Age Dick Grayson (but using Tim Drake's costume), as part of an effort to make Robin less silly and ridiculous -- but when they did the origin they used flashbacks to assure that Dick was indeed 10 when he was taken in by Bruce and learned about Batman. Schumacher appears to be using the animated series version, which had a similar scene between Bruce and Gordon, but his choice to make Robin older as well (Chris O'Donnell was 25 when the movie was made) begs the question of why Bruce, or anybody, needs to take Dick in. Isn't he old enough to be on his own? Also, while I understand that making Dick older gets rid of the "reckless child endangerment" concerns regarding the Robin character, turning him into a 25-year-old that a 36-year-old Bruce agrees to take in makes them far MORE suspiciously gay than a 10 year old being taken into legal protection by a 30-year-old billionaire.

00:42:23 -- Metropolis exists in the Batman movie-verse. But if Gotham IS New York, complete with Statue of Liberty, where and what is Metropolis (which also WAS New York, complete with Statue of Liberty in the Superman movies)? In the comics, Metropolis is across a bay from Gotham, in Sussex, Delaware.

00:43:37 -- "Alfred's actually a very good mechanic," in the absense of other supporting characters from the comics, the movies took the hilarious route of having Bruce's butler be the guy designing, building and maintaining all of Batman's gadgets and technology.

00:43:42 -- Dick's love of motorcycles is an element taken from the animated series, where Robin generally drove a motorcycle when on solo missions.

00:45:01 -- One of the most iconic Batman images, from Batman #404 (February, 1987) is David Mazzuchelli's rendering of young Bruce Wayne kneeling beside the dead bodies of his parents, lit in a circle of light by an overhanging street lamp. The two dead bodies within a circle became a recurring image, and Schumacher used it earlier with the dead Graysons on the circle floor of the circus tent. But here, hilariously, the circle the dead Waynes are in is not a circle of light from a street lamp, but a LITERAL WHITE CIRCLE PAINTED ON THE ALLEY FOR SOME REASON.

00:45:32 -- And here's the Red Book, the focal point of an entire deleted subplot in the movie. All the clues are still there, for the most part, but it's the resolution and explanation of these elements that are gone. Which is bizarre because they could've easily cut out the elements of Bruce's nightmares and flashbacks that involve the book, but they don't, leaving it an odd, unexplained element in the movie.

00:46:38 -- Well, at least in this movie Bruce can see the Bat-signal from Wayne Manor without needing auxillary Bat-signals to point it right into his face, but hilariously enough he can also hear downtown police sirens from all the way out here as well.

00:48:01 -- And so here we have an extremely convoluted explanation for the superhero name "Robin", and apparently the only reason Dick suddenly has/had a brother in this movie. In the original comics, Dick called himself "Robin" after Robin Hood, and that heoric influence is also why his superhero costume looks like a medieval tunic. It mirrors Bruce's inspiration being Zorro. Eventually, however, this was forgotten, and it became common to associate the Robin name with the bird in order to tie the Boy Wonder in as an animal totem alongside BATman. This made explaining the costume more difficult, and so it became what his family wore in the circus, despite not being such in the original story, and despite the fact that if that were so it would make figuring out Robin's secret identity hilariously easy to anyone who had seen the Flying Graysons perform. Other attempts at justifying the Robin name include Jeph Loeb's DARK VICTORY storyline (2000), where Dick claims it was a nickname his mom gave him because he was always "bobbin' along", which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Frank Miller's ALL-STAR actually remembered the Robin Hood connection, and thus makes sense, despite what most people say about that series.

00:52:06 -- Two-Face's two gun molls are Sugar and Spice. Spice is played by Debi Mazar, later to be best-known as Vince's press agent Shauna on ENTOURAGE, and Sugar is played by Drew Barrymore of all people. Two-Face never had any molls in the comics because comic book Harvey had a wife named Gilda before his was scarred and she's part of his whole big tragedy.

00:53:53 -- This is Jones' first scene with Carrey in the film. Reportedly the two did not get along well. Jones was threatened by Carrey's extremely quickly rising star and felt he was being upstaged. This resulted in Jones abandoning any subtlety in his performance as Two-Face in an attempted out go more over-the-top than Carrey, an arms race of ham that escalated into both characters being completely cardboard. Schumacher apparently lost a lot of respect for Jones during this, feeling that Carrey was a gentlemand and Jones simply another coddled star who needed more babysitting than directing. I may also point out that the GCPD are totally unable to find Harvey's hideout (they drive right by it in the establishing shot), but loser Nygma finds it no problem, and is able to get inside no problem.

00:54:41 -- Riddler's brain wave machines are ALREADY IN HARVEY'S HIDE-OUT WAITING FOR HIM TO PICK THEM UP AND USE THEM.

00:57:30 -- Y'know he's good in a fight because of his HARD-CORE KUNG FU LAUNDRY SKILLZ.

00:58:28 -- "With no sign of Batman,": there used to be a "Batman No More!" style subplot in this movie that explained this lack of Bruce DOING ANYTHING, but it's gone now. It's related to the dreams/flashbacks of the Red Book.

01:01:15 -- The entrance to the Batcave is now through a locked silver closet, replacing the Iron Maiden trap door from the previous movie.

01:04:36 -- Most of this scene is actually tied into the excised Red Book subplot, but it's still here because it's also practically the only time we really see Bruce and Chase doing anything lovey-dovey, and it's a necessary connection into the next, terrible, scene.

01:05:13 -- First up, how did Dick steal the Batmobile? Alfred was right there. He would've had to assault and overpower him to get to the car. Second, does the Batmobile not have keys? How did he figure out how to drive the damn thing? And why, for this one scene, does the central fin split in two? It's something the toy version of the car could do too, so it seems like something the movie car did because the toy could do and the toy could do because the movie car did in some bizarre cross-marketing chicken and egg.

01:05:46 -- And here, in WB's mandated "more family friendly" Batman movie, we have Dick Grayson attempting to pick up hookers in the Batmobile.

01:08:13 -- And suddenly Dick's fighting prowess goes from "ultra cool martial artist" to "flailing with his hands like Sheldon Cooper".

01:09:49 -- It's a little hard to give Bruce a moralizing "killing is wrong" mentor speech when this is the same Batman who Burton had killing villains left and right, but Goldsman actually finds a good way around it by turning Bruce's murder of the Joker into a learning experience wherein Batman has learned the emptiness of murder for revenge, an interesting twist where the murderous Batman of yesterday has grown into a man who is past that kind've violence. In an intriguing change from the comics, this Batman wants to actively discourage Dick from joining him in his nightly crusade, which he views as a curse, rather than encourage the young man to become a force for good. It's Goldsman actually making decent lemonade out of the lemons he was given by Burton, and the dialogue is also one of the few direct acknowledgements of the previous movies in the series.

01:13:48 -- Why does Chase agree to dance with Edward? And why does she look so into it? I can only conclude that's she's kind've a slut.

01:16:30 -- Anyone of the hundreds of members of the press invited to this thing seeing Nygma talking casually with the wanted criminal looting the party?

01:17:35 -- The sexy love interest just invited Batman to a midnight booty call in our family friendly Bat-film.

01:18:24 -- Schumacher wanted Batman's cape to move in the same dramatic ways it did in the comic books, which it had failed to do in the Burton movies because it was heavy leather. Rather than change the material the cape was made out of, Schumacher instead had the cape animated with CGI. In 1995.

01:18:52 -- This kind've overelaborate deathtrap that seems to have been preplanned and yet came out of nowhere at the same time is actually kind've perfectly suited to the 1950s comics style this movie is inspired by. If anything it's not overelaborate enough.

01:19:14 -- And as with most of those ludicrous deathtraps of the Silver Age, Batman escapes using equally ludicrous gadgetry.

01:20:33 -- One of Dick's guesses for sidekick name is Nightwing. Nightwing is the adult superhero identity Dick took on in the comics after he felt he had grown out of being Robin and no longer wanted to be Bruce's partner.

01:21:16 -- Here it's Alfred who makes the realization that young Dick, thirsting for revenge, needs the guidance of a mentor, a realization Bruce made perfectly well on his own in the original stories.

01:21:41 -- Movie Bruce claims to have "never been in love before", which implies that both Vicki and Selina didn't mean anything to him, and that he's actually in love with this kind've vapid, stalkerish, desperate, hot, least professional  psychologist ever.

01:22:42 -- I guess having Batman do things like show up for midnight sexytime rendezvous rather than fight the villains was Schumacher/Goldsman's way of fighting the homosexual overtones potential in the rest of the movie?

01:23:52 -- Thaaaat's just creepy.

01:24:01 -- The headline on the lefthand side cracks me up. "Prodigy Child Wins Every Award Given": well yeah, I'd win every award too if they were just given to me.

01:24:57 -- "From this day on, Batman is no more." Erm... why?? Other than having the hots for a girl, there's been nothing even close to a reason given for Bruce quitting, and the speech he gives here is impossibly cryptic, vague and meaningless. He is sick of protecting "faces I've never seen", but the "innocent aren't faceless anymore"... and... that's... why he's quitting? "Is this something else explained in the deleted subplot?" you ask. "You catch on pretty quick," I reply. "Quickly, you mean."

01:26:18 -- Holy shit, Chase took a cab from her place downtown all the way to Wayne Manor? That's like $50 of cab fare. I mean, I suppose Bruce can cover it, but still, wouldn't a gentleman have Alfred pick her up or something?

01:27:00 -- And here we have Dick running away, a subplot that's COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN after this moment.

01:27:21 -- Holy shit, these kids walked a long way for some Halloween candy. I mean, yeah, they CLEARLY know where the house with the best candy is, but damn that's commitment.

01:30:46 -- And there you have it, folks: the origin of Batman! Kinda. The two Burton movies had never bothered to explain how or why Bruce went from young orphan to "dressing up like a giant bat to fight crime", no attempt was made at replicating the famous scene from Detective Comics #33, wherein a bat flies through the window of Bruce's study after he realizes he must strike terror in the hearts of criminals. Here, Schumacher and Goldsman adapt the scene from Frank Miller's THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS (1986) where young Bruce falls into the batcave as a child and is confronted and frightened by a single, seemingly huge, bat from out of the darkness. In that version of the story, the fall happened before the death of Bruce's parents, and so created a kind of redundancy where Bruce is confronted by the totem-bat twice, once as a boy and again as a man about to begin his journey, in BATMAN: YEAR ONE (1987). Goldsman actually does something intelligent by transferring the fall to after his parent's wake, thus creating one bat-incident that inspired Batman: a child's response to the fear of a monster in a cave, and a child's response to the death of his parents, and a child's way of warring on crime. The visual of the bat, seemingly massive, flying towards Bruce from out of the darkness is actually really faithfully reproduced from Miller's art. Schumacher and Goldsman were actually very interested in showing the origins of Batman -- both had wanted to do an adaptation of YEAR ONE, but WB wanted a sequel, not a prequel, and so they can to condense their interests into these flashback sequences, most of which were excised from the film. Who knows what Batman we might have had if Schumacher had not resigned to following the studio's marching order of creating a lighter, funner, blockbuster friendly Batman? This is the last time in the finished film we'll see these flashback sequences, but we still don't have all the pieces of the puzzle, really. These are memories Bruce clearly already has, not the repressed ones that have been struggling to get through. That the Red Book was his father's journal doesn't explain the trauma of the repression, or why he's remembering it now. Why does Bruce want to quit being Batman at some points in the movie and not in others? What is the importance of any of this? Why is Batman forever, anyhow? These questions are all answered in the deleted subplot -- and yes, I'll explain what it all was eventually.

01:31:24 -- I may have mentioned this earlier, but Dr. Meridian is the worst psychologist ever. Her patient's about to have a major breakthrough and her response is to passionately kiss him despite no outward signs of consent from Bruce. My diagnosis is nymphomania.

01:31:36 -- And because making Gordon a doddering old idiot wasn't enough, now Alfred's one too. Who the hell would be fooled by that?

01:32:04 -- I don't know how Riddler's cane unlocks what we've clearly seen earlier in the film is a mechanical lock, but it's more plausible than Penguin suddenly having Batmobile blueprints.

01:34:25 -- For one thing, "JOYGASM!" is a completely redundant portmanteau, and for another -- family-friendly Batfilm, Schumacher!

01:34:40 -- And if we really needed complete and utter confirmation that the writers absolutely, positively, do NOT understand the character of Two-Face, here's this infamous bit: Harvey flipping his coin over and over until it gives him the result he wants, to kill Bruce Wayne. NO! No! No. Bad screenwriters. Harvey's coin-flipping tic is, of course, based on the gangster caricature played by George Raft in his movie appearances beginning with the original SCARFACE (1932). Raft often played mob hitmen, and would absentmindedly flip a coin while waiting to kill someone. But the coin itself meant nothing. Finger and Kane took that tic and made it a key part of Two-Face's character. Two-Face is half-good, and half-evil, a man deadlocked in morality. He blames random chance for the accident that scarred him, declares chance the only true justice, and uses the coin as the tie-breaker to the deadlock in his decision making. And what the coin says, is final. Otherwise, why bother? If he can just flip until he gets the result he wants, why flip at all? The whole point is that he DOESN'T know what result he wants, he can't decide without the coin. Without the arbiter. But movie Two-Face is largely missing the whole "half-good" part of the equation. He's basically just another cackling madman, a Joker who looks normal on one side. The marginalization of his character is definitely one of the great failings of the movie.

01:36:23 -- Okay, time to explain the big deleted subplot I've been referring to all this time. So here's what's been going on in the 40 minutes of deleted scenes: Bruce is trying to come to grips with the guilt of his actions as Batman. He refuses to kill Harvey in the opening action setpiece when he could've, but Harvey berates him for the hubris of declaring "Batman does not kill," when in this movie series, he very clearly does. Bruce's parents have been avenged, the Wayne Foundation gives millions to charity, the police handle most of the crime and are no longer corrupt, why is he still doing this? Bruce begins to believe that he is losing control of his sense of self. He no longer knows who he really is, Batman or Bruce Wayne? And these repressed memories and nightmares disturb him. He remembers falling into the cave, the bat. He remembers running from his parents' wake. But why was he running? And what does it have to do with his father's journal? Is Batman just Bruce's response to his fear? Does he only fight crime because he's still running from his pain? This is why he's seeing Chase, and the significance of his need for her dream-thingamajig. His duality here is meant to be mirrored by Two-Face, who also has several deleted scenes further explaining his rage at both Batman, his former ally in crimefighting who failed to save him, and Bruce Wayne, his old friend who seemingly abandoned him. Harvey's fall and Bruce's guilt over it further explains his reticence to kill Harvey, as well as his reluctance to take on another partner in Dick, despite his empathy with Dick's pain. Finally, the media begin a Daily Bugle style hate parade against Batman, blaming him for the Riddler and Two-Face's crime spree and declaring that supervillains would not come to Batman if he was not there for them to challenge (and given that both villains' motivations are totally personal against Batman/Bruce, this argument has merit). The media calls for Batman to retire. Having fallen in love with Chase, and wanting to prevent Dick from following him down the path to vengeance, Bruce does indeed retire, as we saw earlier. When Two-Face shoots Bruce in the head, he becomes a partial amnesiac, and awakes in this scene here remembering his life as Bruce Wayne, but not as Batman. Alfred, knowing Batman is still needed, takes Bruce on a tour of the destroyed cave, trying to jog his memory. Desperate, Alfred pushes Bruce back into the cave, wherein Bruce finds his father's journal, left here by him as a boy. And what is the secret of the journal? That it was his parents', Thomas and Martha's idea to go see Zorro. Bruce had remembered being a boy and insisting on going out to see a movie, and so blamed himself for his parents' death. But Bruce had wanted to see a cartoon, and it was his father who insisted he see a revival showing of Zorro at an old theatre in a bad part of town. It was not Bruce's fault that his parents were murdered. In a moment of catharsis, Bruce lets go of the pain he has carried his entire life and then is once again confronted (in a rather over-the-top and operatic sequence) by the giant, mythical, totem-bat that frightened him as a child, and in a truly bizarre and clearly purely symbolic moment, it flies right up to Bruce and he embraces it. Emerging from the cave, he declares to Alfred that he is Batman, now and forever. Wow. So not only does this deleted segment kinda explain the whole movie, it also explains the frakkin' title! The whole thing gives a character arc for Bruce designed to take him from the dark, outcast, semi-obsessed and wholly lethal Burton version of the movies and transition him into being the far more rational and heroic version of the comics. Who knew that BATMAN FOREVER was actually a semi-good movie with kinda interesting ideas, but that they were all hidden in the deleted scenes?? Why was this stuff excised? Well, part of it was length. WB wasn't in the mood for their blockbuster Bat to be 160 minutes long (Schumacher is no Chris Nolan). Another part is that this whole final sequence, while crucial, happens at the point in the movie where you really kinda just want to have the climax and go fight the villain, so some executive probably accused it of "slowing down the movie". And the whole "Bruce undergoes an inner psychological struggle, which he then overcomes by embracing the symbolic giant bat-totem of his innermost self" is a pretty heady idea for a summer blockbuster movie to be based around.

01:37:16 -- Yeah, and if you'd followed the nonsensical laser beams to their point of origin, the same way anyone follows the Bat-signal to it's, you'd know that the Riddler is based on the same island as NYGMATECH and that OHMYGODEDWARDNYGMA'STHERIDDLER!

01:38:28 -- "You really are quiet bright, despite what people say," When I was a kid this riddle solving sequence was my favourite part of the movie, but it's totally a classic Bat-apophenia scene right out of the 1966 series, with Bruce making wild connections to come to an already kinda obvious conclusion. So Edward's big plan that he's been orchestrating since the start of the movie was to send out a series of riddles the point of which was... telling Bruce he existed? Letting him know the Riddler and Edward Nygma were one and the same, despite the riddles starting before the Riddler existed? Granted, the point of Riddler's riddles in the comics were often as clues to his next crime or as answers to his previous one, in fact Batman #179 (March, 1966) by Gardner Fox and Howard Sherman is entirely about the Riddler trying to stop himself from planting riddles that actually give himself away and finding he cannot, he's compelled. But none of that is actually explored in Movie Riddler, there's no compulsion around the riddles, just obsession. It doesn't really speak to his newly created stalker persona aside from simply saying "the guy who beat you was me!" -- which, to be fair, was the Riddler's original comic book motivation: to beat Batman intellectually, and for Batman to know who'd beaten him.

01:38:45 -- Because what every heroic climatic suiting up scene needs is a big gigantic rubber ass close-up, complete with a zipper up the crack for easy access. Why the hell is this in the movie? I mean, I know full well why Schumacher shot it, but how did it stay in? How did the executives at Warners cut 40 minutes of plot exposition and character development and leave in the gigantic rubber ass close-up? It's not like the cape even comes swooshing down so they can pretend it's about the cape. Nope, all about the rubber ass.

01:38:50 -- It's not super obvious, because the screenwriters have done a semi-decent job of working it into the storyline, but the main reason Batman adopts an entirely different (and gleaming silver!) Batsuit at the end of the movie is to sell more toys. One detail to note however is that it's the first movie Batsuit to use the Bat-symbol sans yellow oval. The original Batman costume just had a black bat outline on the grey suit, and was like this for the entirety of Batman's Golden Age. The yellow oval was introduced in 1964 in order to distinguish the symbol enough for it to be copyrightable, and became the standard famous Batman logo from then on. The comic book Batman returned to being yellow ovalless in 2000, largely owing to the continued association of the yellow oval with "silly fun campy stupid Batman of the sixties!" and the plain black bat with "awesome hardcore original Batman of YEAR ONE and DARK KNIGHT RETURNS!" The animated Batman had already dropped the yellow bat for it's fourth season in 1997.

01:38:54 -- New Batboat, designed similarly to the new (already destroyed) Batmobile. As previously noted, it first appeared in Batman #4 (Winter, 1941) as a craft that the Batplane could transform into upon hitting the water.

01:38:59 -- And the new Batwing, which resembles the other two vehicles as well as continuing on the design lineage of the Burton Batwing. First appearance Detective Comics #31 (Septemeber, 1939).

01:39:05 -- Despite my knowledge of the deleted scenes, even I do not have an explanation for how Dick went from "running away pissed off to go be Robin on his own in his silly circus costume" to showing up in full rubber nippled body armor as Robin.

01:39:23 -- The molded homoerotic foam rubber bodysuit that old man Alfred has made for young Master Dick is largely based on the costume worn by the third Robin, Tim Drake, in the comics contemporary to the movie's release. This costume was a 1990s update of the classic Robin look and was highly successul, even being used for Dick's costume on the animated series as well.

01:39:39 -- Movie Batman's still kinda okay with murder though. "The Batman does not kill, but if his partner wants to, who am I to say no, right?"

01:40:40 -- Why does flying through the cloud/smog/smoke that the Bat-signal is projected on return it to normal? How does that stop the Riddler's bizarre laser projectors? I don't think this movie has a firm grasp on how the Bat-signal/light works.

01:40:46 -- Batman gives Gordon a thumbs up he can't possibly see because this movie stopped giving a damn about making sense ages ago.

01:42:03 -- Anyone else remember the mid-90s, when making pop culture references was just-like-the-cleverest-and-funniest-thing-ever-you-guys?

01:42:20 -- How did Two-Face and Riddler manage to position a squad of underwater scuba goons right where Robin's ejector seat was gonna land?

01:43:00 -- The Batplane transforms into the Batsub by jettisoning the wings. Also there was this super-cool-toy when this movie came out that used the fact that the vehicles all kinda looked alike by letting you have all four-vehicles in one! With no attachments it was the Batsub, with wheels the Batmobile, with wings the Batwing and with this nose-cone thing it was the Batboat! Coolest thing ever! Totally had/have that toy. What's that you're asking? Were all these things specifically designed to sell toys? No but damn WB noticed the toys made a lot of money. Remember that when we watch the next movie.

01:43:27 -- Batman and Robin at a life buoy at sea, JUST LIKE IN THE 1966 MOVIE YOU GUYS! (Which, yes, I'll eventually get around to, and yes, should've started with I suppose) No noble porpoises around, though.

01:43:58 -- And there's the movie's oh-so-clever jab at the 1966 show's tendency to give Robin exclamations that always went "Holy, ________ Batman!" and were usually a pun. It's not something from the comics, except for comics referencing it after the fact, but Robin always was characterized by extreme earnestedness in the original stories -- his bright, cheerful, and joking attitude often serving in contrast to his more serious mentor. But then this movie made Robin into a murderous angsty young adult...

01:45:33 -- As much as this movie got a lot of heat for not following in the "dark and serious" gothic style of the Burton pictures, part of me really likes that it just flat-out embraced several traditional elements of old-fashioned Batman comics, like overelaborate death-traps.

01:46:43 -- Although I'm not entirely sure what just happened there and how the physics of it worked, I will totally defend Batman's rocket-boots by pointing out their first appearance in Detective Comics #50 (April, 1941).

01:48:32 -- And so the Riddler has developed an overelaborate death-trap scheme based entirely on taking advantage of the struggles with duality that Bruce has absolutely not been going through in this movie because they were all left on the cutting room floor.

01:49:09 -- Robin has a long and storied history in comics of being kidnapped by the villain and used against Batman. Joker used to call him "the Boy Hostage." Good times.

01:53:10 -- Batman foils Two-Face by confusing his coinflip by tossing in dozens of others, just like in the climax of the animated episode "Two-Face, Part II".

01:53:33 -- And totally causes Two-Face's death, despite having a whole (unseen) arc about not killing people anymore, and despite totally telling Robin that killing is bad on camera, and despite Robin having heroically refraining from doing so earlier in the movie. Batman's a "do as I say, not as I do" sorta mentor.

01:54:18 -- Another line that is supposed to be all heroic but doesn't make much sense since it's the culmination of an off-camera, unseen character arc.

01:54:33 -- Erm, does, uh, anyone know what Bruce did there? The implication is that he somehow used Nygma's (destroyed) machine to beam the Bat back into Edward's mind, thus making him (more) crazy. Which is kinda extreme, but at least he didn't murder him.

01:54:40 -- And we're back at Arkham Asylum. Or, we would be back if the opening scene at Arkham hadn't been cut. Why is the lightning red? Did no one at any time question the red lightning?

01:54:47 -- Arkham is run here by Dr. Burton, played by Rene Auberjonois. Dr. Burton would've been seen at the beginning of the film as well if he hadn't been cut. His name, hairstyle, mode of dress, and job as warden of an insane asylum are all references/jabs at the movie's producer and the series' former steward, Tim Burton. In the comics, Arkham Asylum is run by Jeremiah Arkham (first appearance: Shadow of the Bat #1, June 1992 by Alan Grant and Norm Breyfogle), descendant of the Asylum's founder Amadeus Arkham (created by Len Wein). On the animated series, the Asylum was run by the less crazy and more sedated Dr. Bartholomew.

01:56:54 -- And once again, a Batman movie ends with Bruce's blonde love interest alive, still seeing him, totally aware he's Batman and apparently totally cool with it. Because apparently WB thought Batman movies should be like James Bond -- a different significant true love every movie who's mysteriously gone in the next one. Deleted from the film was even a similar sequence to the ending of the last two movies of Alfred driving Dr. Meridian away in the car, and the camera panning way, way, way, up to Batman and Robin standing on a rooftop as the Bat-signal lights in the distance.

01:57:22 -- Instead our final image is of Batman and Robin running heroically towards the camera, just like in the opening credits of the 1966 television series. Because while the goal of the Batman film series, as envisioned by executive producer Michael Uslan, was to turn public conception of Batman away from the old TV show and towards a vision more true to the comics, corporate and creative forces eventually drove it right back there. BATMAN FOREVER is pretty much a movie version of that old show. Not quite, though. Not quite there yet. BATMAN FOREVER was phenomenally successful at the box office, similar to 1989's BATMAN, exactly the response WB wanted, despite mixed reviews from critics. The movie was so successful, in fact, that the sequel was fasttracked. Hilariously fast-tracked. Like, "get it out in 24 months" fast tracked. And make it even kid-friendlier. And more toyetic.
We'll see how well that goes.

01:57:29 -- The song you're hearing is "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2 from the movie's soundtrack, an unused cut from their Zooropa album.

02:00:17 -- The song you're hearing is "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal, which is hilariously probably the most successful aspect of this movie's legacy. People still love this (incredibly bizarre) song, and most don't know it's from a Batman movie.