Fail Comic Book Movies

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1944) -- Okay, this movie serial is actually pretty good, but it completely changes Captain America's backstory, origin and powers and features no Nazi villains at all, so it has to lose points. Fail.

SUPERMAN III (1983) -- Richard Pryor in a Superman movie was never a good idea. The villains are also lame. Fuck the Salkinds. Stupid fail.

SUPERGIRL (1984) -- This film has two good elements - Helen Slater's Supergirl, and seeing the inside of the Phantom Zone. And I suppose a few other things. But a lot of it is lame. Minor Fail.

RED SONJA (1985) -- Worst Schwarzenegger movie ever. And that's saying a lot. If Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan ever get off their asses and make the new version this character could be redeemed in the film world. Lousy fail.

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986) -- The comics were gritty, profane, and satirical. The movie is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles minus everything good and plus two tons of lame. George Lucas produced this movie and now officially disowns it. And when George Lucas, the man responsible for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, disowns a movie, you know there's a problem. EPIC FAIL.

SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987) -- Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, bad movie. Sorry, Christopher Reeve. Sad, sad, sad, noble fail.

THE PUNISHER (1989) -- Low budget crap wherein the Punisher's origin is done wrong, he never wears his iconic outfit, and he fights a female Yakuza boss (btw, they don't let chicks in the Yakuza). Thank god they got this right in 2004 with the Thomas Jane movie. Embarassing Fail.

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989) -- My arch-nemesis, the campy comic book movie, rears its head yet again. No, you are not funny. No, you are not smarter than the material. You've never read the material, have you? It's by Alan Moore, who has more intelligence in his beard than your entire film crew put together. Aggravatingly stupid fail.

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1991) -- The first third of the movie, with Cap fighting Red Skull in WW2 is actually pretty cool. Then we're suddenly in the present day and everything turns to low-low-low budget suck. Cheesy Fail.

JUDGE DREDD (1995) -- "Okay, guys, let's take an iconic British comic character who never shows his face and delivers bad-ass monologues and have him be played by Sylvester Stallone!! And he'll wear his famous mask for all of five minutes!!!" Rule 1, Hollywood: Never cast Stallone in a role that requires talking. EPIC FAIL.

BATMAN & ROBIN (1997) -- Bad puns, bat-nipples, and overall heavy gay factors make this feature-length toy commercial an absolute death-trap to sit through. Holy Epic Fail, Batman!

SPAWN (1997) -- This movie was just lame, sorry. Especially once you've seen the HBO series. Also, bad CGI cape, not enough cape, lousy Spawn costume. Big budget fail.

STEEL (1997) -- A Superman spin-off minus the movie it was supposed to spin-off from starring Shaquille O'Neal! How could this not be good? Rofl. Retarded fail.

FROM HELL (2001) -- Only Hollywood could take one of the best pieces of graphic literature and fuck it up this much. Proof that Johnny Depp is not the best casting choice for every role. Aggravating Fail.

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003) -- There's a scene in this movie where a car (which has not been invented yet) has a chase on the streets of Venice (which don't exist). That's one of the many ways Hollywood f*cks a great comic in the bum in this awful movie. EPIC FAIL.

CATWOMAN (2004) -- Not even Halle Berry mostly naked can make this trial of a movie worthwhile. No relation to the comic except the name, this movie is considered torture in most civilized countries. UGLY, EPIC FAIL.

ELEKTRA (2005) -- GGGYYYYYAAARRRGHHH! is the sound you'll make sitting through this trash heap. Nothing is worthwhile here. Boring, Mind-Numbing Fail.

SON OF THE MASK (2005) -- Goes in the same pile with The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Super-Babies: Baby Geniuses 2. Absolutely disgustingly mind-wrenching, eyes-gouging FAIL.

CONSTANTINE (2005) -- When the main character's name is pronounced wrong, that's the first sign you're in trouble. The second is when a British character whose supposed to look like Sting is played by a very American Keanu Reeves. Fail.

V FOR VENDETTA (2006) -- Aka, Hollywood Rapes Alan Moore in the Bum Again. This is almost a good movie on its own merits (except the odious ending) but its so inferior to the Alan Moore graphic novel on so many levels, not the least of which is that it missed the point of the book. Oh, and I hate the Wachowski Brothers, for thinking they're smarter than everyone else when really they just like shiny lights and boom-booms. Facepalm-worthy fail.

SPIDER-MAN 3 (2007) -- I frankly can no longer trust Sam Raimi and have lost all enthusiasm for Spider-Man movies thanks to this film. Argh. Depressingly silly fail.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007) -- Note to self: Never cast Josh Hartnett in anything.

GHOST RIDER (2007) -- Yes, Nicholas Cage is a comic book fan. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE CAN ACT!! At least he's playing Ghost Rider, a second-tier Marvel character, instead of Superman like he was going to in the late nineties. Lame, Boring, Fail.

WANTED (2008) -- Yes, because the best way to adapt a comic book is to subtract anything relating it to a comic book. Missed the point. Fail.

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008) -- Ugly, cliche, pointless, mindless, annoying, depressing, fail.

THE SPIRIT (2008) -- Just WHAT THE FUCK, Frank Miller? Will Eisner is one of the most respected goddamn comic book creators of all goddamn time, and you completely SHAT all over his most prized creation and turned it into a cheap Sin City knock-off!! What happened to the days when you didn't suck Frank Miller? Like, pre-2000. Seriously, what the fuck. Absolutely disgusting, ugly, aggravating, mind-blowing, fucktarded, epic FAIL.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009) -- 20th Century Fox has no concept of quality filmmaking. On the other hand, they're rolling in hookers and blow. Cheap, shallow, cash-in, fail.